Scars and Nightmares
by Ealasaid77
Summary: Jasper and Edward share a dark past, but Jasper can't get past it. Can Edward help him through it? Adult themes, please read my author's note before reading the story. Don't say I didn't warn you. Slash/AU/AH
1. Chapter 1

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter One**

**AN: **_ If any of you know anything about me you won't be surprised by this story. Anyway, I couldn't let this go. If you can't handle it I suggest you stop reading right now, this story is disturbing. __**Suicide, rape, torture, murder and cutting are all mentioned here. **__ Please don't think I condone any of these things, just understand that I've been there. Seek help if you need it, please. You don't have to live in pain forever, it does get better even if it never completely goes away._

_I know it's not usually typical for an adult to be a cutter, but it isn't unheard of. So just go with me on this._

_Originally I only intended this to be a one-shot, the main reason being that the emotions here are so raw. I changed my mind though as the subject deserved more than a paltry mention. Let me know if you want me to continue this one. I had no intention of posting any of it until I finished one of my other ones, but I need to know that I'm not wasting my time here._

_For the most part, I think this will be from Jasper's point of view, only occasionally delving into Edward's mind. The chapters will be cut into much shorter ones, mainly because it's hard to digest strong emotions all at once._

_Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, although I doubt she'd like this story._

**JPOV**

_Death. It was such a small, insignificant word, yet powerful. The word alone incited fear and terror in some. For others though, like me, it was my salvation, my saving grace. My salvation from the terror of my mind, from the things I kept hidden. Death was my peace. I would take it, welcome it._

* * *

Who was screaming? I had to get to them, it was my job to save them. Why couldn't I move my legs? It was like trying to wade through sand. Kids were all screaming, little boys to be more specific. Where were they? "Please save us." I heard from far away. "No... don't touch me." Another little boy's scared voice came to me. "Where's mommy?" Questioned a boy in a small voice. "You'll pay for this." Said what sounded like an older child.

Trying to push my legs to move I slapped at them hard. That's when I realized I'd been having another nightmare. I'd been having these nightmare's ever since Emmett had brought me those videos of those little boys. I awoke sweaty, wrapped up in my sheets and fell out of the bed still cocooned in them.

My body was shaking and in desperate need of a fix. Getting myself out of the sheets I went into the bathroom. I was falling apart again. Opening one of the drawers I pulled out the razors I kept there for just such an emergency and sat down on the side of the bathtub. I usually had to hide them out of sight because when I felt well I had a tendency to throw them out. Whenever I got bad, like now, I'd end up at the grocery store shaking and sweaty like an addict, I got fewer question's this way.

Taking out one of the shiny blades I pressed it into my thigh and dragged it across making another line across it matching the others. I always did this here as the arms were too noticeable. I let out a moan of pleasure, of the pure release of pain that I felt. It was odd to get pleasure from this kind of pain, but I did. I relished it, it kept me sane in this insane world. It felt _good_. If I thought I wouldn't get caught I'd cover my entire body in these little cuts. So few people ever understood what that felt like, the agony and the delight.

I wasn't insane, I'd just been through a lot of shit in my life. No one knew except my parents and they were now dead. My parents were much older when they had me, so I was an only child. My mother ended up dying of breast cancer and my father from despair, if that's possible. I was sure that it was since he stopped living, eating, sleeping, speaking or joining in life at all. That made me angry. I still needed my father, but he chose a slow suicide instead.

Cutting my thigh again I felt the pain being released again, but I didn't get nearly the same high as I did from the first cut. Putting the blades away I picked myself up off the floor and went back to my bedroom. I wasn't going to sleep now. One of the boys I'd been dreaming about was me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Two**

**AN: **_I'm so glad some of you decided to follow me over here, even though I know this story is more serious than my other ones._

_Characters belong to Stephenie Meyers, although I doubt she'd approve of this story._

**JPOV**

Putting my uniform on I waited until it was time to leave feeling like crap for cutting myself once again. Shit. Now that I was off my high I could think rationally. Why did I continue doing stuff like that to myself? I'd been doing it on and off since high school. Whenever something horrible happened it always came back full force even when I thought I'd been getting better. It wasn't fair.

Those boys... and me... I wondered if they were as messed up as I was. The one that ended it all I was sure had to be the most messed up one of the bunch. I pondered what happened to the green-eyed boy.

_Emmett made the mistake of handing me a box a week ago. He said "Hey Whitlock, your name is on some of this stuff."_

_Looking at it I could tell it was old files and some videotapes. I knew then what it would be, but I'd never seen the tapes. "Why the hell do you have this stuff?" I asked Emmett. He was my partner in crime, so to speak. We were both cops._

_He shrugged at me and said "I just happened to see your name come across in our database and I had to see if it was really you. I didn't look at the stuff that closely, but I thought you might want to know what other people can find out about you around here."_

_Locking myself into a room with all those videos after my shift was over I put the first one in. They seemed to be in order of first to last. I didn't let Emmett stick around to find out what was on them, I couldn't face him if he knew. There were sixteen videos in all. I saved the one of me for last, skipping it even though I was in the middle of the group._

_The last video captivated me. There was a boy about ten in it. He was standing in front of the video camera, naked. Behind him was a man, but his face didn't show up as he was taller than where the camera was placed. I didn't need to see his face to remember what the man looked like. The man was completely clothed except for his exposed erect dick. Grabbing the boy by his bronze hair he pulled his head up to the camera and I watched as anger flashed across the boy's face making his green eyes spark. "Tell me that you love me." The man hissed. The boy spat on the ground in front of him. "You shouldn't have done that. I'll only make it worse for you." The boy spat again. "Oh now you've made me angry. After I'm done with you I think I'll finish you off for good. You'll be the first boy I've killed. Does that make you happy?" He laughed maniacally._

_"Kill me now and get it over with. I'll be happier dead than alive and living with what you've done to me." The boy declared. He never did cry._

_"No. I'm going to have a little fun with you first." The man said and reached down fondling the boy's penis. I felt sick. I remembered that feeling, that man, the way he smelled, his words. "Don't you like to be touched? All my boys do." The man said in an ominous tone. The boy spat on the ground again and the man was so angry he slapped the boy on his head making his head turn sharply. He should have fallen down except for the death grip the man had on him with the other hand. "Do you know what I do to my boys that disobey me?" The man questioned, the boy just glared at him. "I fuck them without making it pleasant, that's what." Then I saw the man swiftly and without warning shove his dick into the boy's ass. The boy's eyes widened and tears formed there but never fell. He looked like he was screaming, but no sound came forth. The man fucked the boy roughly until his ass bled. It was such a disturbing sight I wanted to look away, but couldn't. It was like watching a train wreck in front of my eyes. I wanted to cry for the boy. "You're mine. You'll always belong to me." The man said to the beautiful angry boy._

_"I'll never belong to you. Now kill me like you promised." The boy stated with his jaw clenched tight. During this video it looked like he had aged several years._

_"Not just yet. People will know you belong to me, and I want you to watch as I mark you as mine." The man said sounding even crazier than before, if that was possible. Grabbing a knife from behind him he sliced the boy's body starting at his chest, then going to the side of his stomach and left some kind of brand there. I didn't need the blood to clear to know there would be a J there. It would match my own. Fortunately for me no one questioned it as they just thought I'd done it to myself on purpose since my name started with a J._

_The little boy was dripping in blood now and looked like he was in pain. The older man set the knife down to the side of them and stuck his finger into the blood. I couldn't see him do this, but I was sure he licked the boy's blood off his finger. The look on the boy's face only confirmed it for me, he looked disgusted and started to wretch. The man left his side for a minute to grab a trashcan to shove underneath him. What he didn't see when his back was turned was the little boy picking up the knife. When he looked at the camera I got the impression he was telling anyone who was watching that he was either going to kill this man or make him kill him faster._

_Turning around towards the man he shoved the knife into his thigh deeply and pulled it right back out again. It looked like it hit an artery as blood spurted everywhere. The boy was now covered in red blood from head to toe. It was in his hair and only the green of his eyes shone another color. "You should have killed me when I begged you to." The boy said spitting on the gasping man. The man grabbed him by the arm and threw the boy across the room. I couldn't see where he went, but I heard him slam into the wall and plaster flew into the frame. The knife made a dull thud as it hit the carpet. By this time the man's breath sounded gurgled as though blood or fluid was in his lungs. The boy was still away from the camera and out of sight. I could hear him talking on the phone. He announced "I think I just killed somebody." Then he dropped the phone and sat on the floor where I could see him again and cried curling himself into a ball. He was so strong, so delicate. I sat there with tears streaming down my own face. I didn't even know that man had been killed and by one of his victims. It was too much for me right then. I didn't bother looking at my own video. I knew it would be me at six, blonde, blue-eyed, young and frightened, begging to go home to his mommy. I didn't think I could handle seeing James do those things to me, the things that my nightmare's were made of._

At the time I wished I'd pass out from the memory, but of course I didn't. If I didn't during the whole ordeal then I wasn't about to then. The boy's video disturbed me more than the others, his made my heart go out to him. As I remembered his frightened, blood-stained face I ran to the bathroom and threw up all the dinner I'd eaten from the night before. Rinsing my mouth out I looked up to see bloodshot blue eyes looking back at me. My blonde curls still looked about the same as they did as when I was a boy never having darkened like most blondes did.

Shaking my head and the image of me as a boy out of my head I practically ran out to my car and got to work quickly. Emmett was there before me surprisingly as I'd arrived early myself. "What are you doing here?" I asked him.

He rolled his eyes at me and said "What are you doing here? Coming into work early, that's what we're doing here." Right then I wanted to punch his face. What the fuck was wrong with me? I usually liked Emmett, so I was overreacting. "You look like shit, man. Are you sick?" He asked me. No, I wasn't sick, not physically anyway. I didn't think I'd ever tell Emmett what was wrong with me for real though. It was pretty frowned upon to be as fucked up in the head as I was, so I tried to hide it well.

"No, man. I just didn't sleep well." I answered.

Then Emmett brought me out of my misery for a minute saying "You know what you need, don't you?"

"No, Emmett, what is it that you think I need?" I asked him.

"A good hard fuck, that's what." He said and I laughed at him. Sex was his answer to everything.

"You think so? Are you offering?" I asked him jokingly. He knew I was gay, I knew he was straight and happily married.

"Har har, very fucking funny, Whitlock." He shot back. "You need to find some good ass to hold onto."

"Got anyone in mind Emmett?" I asked him. He was always trying to set me up with every gay man he ever came across as though all we needed was to both be gay and we could live happily ever after like he did. Most of the people he came across weren't for me on any planet, much less this one.

"As a matter of fact, I do. He's a doctor and his name is..." I cut Emmett off before he got to the name.

"Emmett, I don't want anyone right now." I told him in a depressed tone. I didn't, I was too fucked up in the head to mess with that right now. I still remembered the last serious boyfriend I'd had. We were together about six months, and constantly argued. He accused me of not loving him enough on nearly a daily basis. No matter what I did or what I said it never was good enough. I gave him all I was capable of giving and it wasn't enough. The last argument we'd had I'd left his house shaking, my hands trembling. I needed a fix and I needed it now. He'd ripped my heart to shreds. He'd shattered it, not merely being content with tearing it in two. When I got to my apartment I took out the razors, my best, my closest friends. They helped me, they let me feel. They never turned on me, never argued with me. Cutting into my thighs I let every word, every phrase my boyfriend had ever said negatively to me come out. By the time I was done I was covered in those tiny cuts. That's when I realized he was right. The cuts were more important than he was, I loved them more than I loved him and probably always would.

"Okay Whitlock, but let me know if you change your mind. I think you'd really like him." Emmett said and I nodded. We went back to our real work though and I threw myself into it, grateful to have something else to think about, at least for a while.


	3. Chapter 3

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Three**

_Characters belong to Stephenie Meyers, but this story is all mine._

**JPOV**

When I got home that night I was alone and lonely and had too many horrific images in my head. I kept replaying those videos over and over again, I wanted to gouge my eyes out. At some point I'd fallen asleep on the couch and woke up with a stiff neck. I'd forgotten to eat dinner or change clothes. Taking my uniform off I laid back down on the couch of my tiny barely furnished apartment and fell asleep in just my boxers.

_I was outside playing on the playground at school when the man called James took me. He didn't offer me treats or sweet words, he didn't lure me. Putting his hand over my mouth he took me from the monkey bars I was on. I tried to wriggle out of his arms or bite his hand so I could scream, but he was stronger than me. He took me to a house with the same bedroom that all those other boys had been in. James reeked of cigarettes and alcohol. That nauseating smell is what kept me out of bars until this day. It only served to bring memories back that were better left alone._

"_Where's my mommy?" I cried. "I want to go home. I don't want to be here."_

"_Shh... baby, it's okay. I'll take care of you. You belong to me now." The man named James said and I threw up. I was terrified. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was happy playing on the school playground, and now I was here in a living nightmare._

"_Please, just let me go. I won't tell anyone. Please." I begged him in my high childish voice hoping he'd let me run. I didn't care at that point if I had to run out into the street naked, I'd do it._

"_Baby, I want to make you feel good. Won't you let me do that?" He asked me softly and I cringed at the word baby. He acted as though he really thought he loved me and that terrified me all the more._

_Crying, I said "Please... just let.... me... go..." The tears trailed down my face dripping off my chin._

_Instead he kissed my neck and played with my penis for awhile. Then he took some sort of gel stuff and put it on his fingers. He pushed them into my ass and I cried harder. It fucking hurt. "Baby, it'll only hurt for a little while." He tried to soothe me in his creepy way. I wished he'd stop calling me baby, I was no one's baby, least of all his. "This is going to feel big right now, but I promise you'll like it." The man said to me kissing me again. He put the gel on his dick and pushed slowly inside me unlike the other boy, the one that killed him. I never did like what he did to me, he was psychotic if he thought I'd ever want him to touch me. I was only six for fuck's sake. _

_As he fucked me he did the same thing with the knife marking me, making me his own. I cried at all the pain I felt coming at me from everywhere before he released himself in me. The semen felt hot and wet and sticky as it dripped down my ass to the back of my legs. "So beautiful, baby." The man said turning me around to face him. He licked my tears away and then licked the wounds he'd marked me with. I shuddered. "You are my favorite boy. You did everything I asked." The man said tracing a finger down my cheek._

_Then he turned away and got a wet washcloth and wiped my body down. He placed me in a car and took me back to the playground, naked. It was dark now. He left me there naked and shivering and terrified. I didn't even know how to get home from there. Eventually a policeman drove by and saw me there lying on the ground. He was my angel, in my childish mind he saved me, he was the reason I became a cop. Apparently my parents had reported me missing. I hadn't even realized I'd been gone for three days. The man had fucked me over and over and I didn't remember it, blurring them into one event. _

_The policeman had taken me to the hospital and called my parents up there. I heard him explain the condition that he'd found me in. My parents gasped and my mother sobbed hard. My father was angry and demanded that they catch whoever did this to their son. I was the first, but not the only boy they got evidence and testimony off of. They still never found him though, he was good at hiding._

Waking up to the sounds of my own screams again I was breathing heavily, cold, alone. An aura of black surrounded me, obsucuring my true self, dragging me into the pit of hell. I saw daylight outside but ignored it. I needed to get out of here and there was only one way out. My mind was made up, I was ready to go. Heading into the bathroom I pulled out my razors and then a bottle of Tylenol. I knew what would work, I'd seen many suicide cases before. I had no family to come and check on me either. I could have used my gun, but thought this would be less of a mess for someone to clean up.

Sitting in the bathtub I cut my thighs in rapid short strokes to feel the surge of pleasure for the last time. Opening the bottle of pills I turned the water on and started to swallow them all down before turning the water off. My unscathed arms would remain so no longer. At first I just did the tiny cuts on my forearms like I did on my thighs working up the courage to go deeper. Eventually though I cut the inside of my arm going longways on both sides deeply and laid back ready for death to take me. I welcomed it. The memories had sunk their sharp claws into my mind, my heart, my soul, infecting all of me. I didn't want to live with those nightmare's anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Four**

**AN:** _I'm so happy that many of you liked the last chapter. I know it was hard to read, but I wanted you all to know and understand where he's coming from. Okay, I'm posting this earlier than intended because OCDJen begged me too, haha._

_Characters belong to Stephenie Meyers, the story, all mine._

**JPOV**

My body was weakening when I heard banging on my door. Let them bang, I'd be dead soon anyway. There was a loud crash and running feet coming towards me and a voice shouting "Jasper?" Eventually the voice stopped as the man belonging to it saw me in the bathtub, bleeding. He called it in. "Jasper, are you an idiot? What the fuck do you think you're doing in there?" Emmett yelled at me. He saw the bottle of Tylenol and the razors and the bloody red water I was sitting in and started shouting at me. I was having a hard time hanging on to what he was saying. "Keep your eyes open, Jasper." Emmett shouted and slapped me a few times, as if that would actually help.

Eventually an ambulance got there to take me to the hospital. Emmett followed behind in the cruiser. I wasn't sure what all occurred after that. I know I was given charcoal to throw up all the Tylenol in my system and when I looked down at my arms after having vomited what felt like my entire insides my arms were all bandaged. They didn't give me any medicine for pain as I was all fucked up after taking all those pills. My arms burned like they were on fire. Why had Emmett stopped me? I still didn't want to be on this earth.

At some point I was taken somewhere else besides the ER. The psych ward, maybe? I didn't know. I was asleep when I heard a shuffle of papers in my room. Opening my eyes I met the most beautiful green eyes I'd ever seen. I frowned at him, he reminded of the little boy. "How are you feeling today?" The man asked me and I realized he was a doctor.

"Fine, except I didn't want to be here today, now did I?" I asked him bitingly. He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Okay Jasper, you didn't want to be here. Are you feeling any pain at all today?" He asked me.

"Only my arms, they feel like they are on fire. It's not like I can't deal with the pain though." I said. I'd lived through much, much worse.

"Jasper, I need to take a look at your wounds, if that's okay?" He asked me and I nodded. What did it matter now anyway? I was sure once I got out of here I'd do the same thing, only succeeding that time.

The doctor pulled the sheets back and pushed up the hospital gown looking at the old and fresh scars on my thighs. Tracing them his jaw clenched tight in anger. I'd seen that look, but where? "Do I know you?" I asked him.

Shaking his head no he said "No, I don't think so." Then he looked as though he was debating something berfore he leaned down and whispered in my ear "But I think I know what you're going through."

He unwrapped my arms and took a look at the long gashes I'd left there. They'd be ugly things for sure, but as I didn't plan on living much longer it didn't matter. I knew I had stitches where the deeper gashes were so he didn't cover them back up instead letting them heal with the air over them.

Then the doctor pressed against my belly feeling all around. I assumed he was seeing by hand if I'd done too much damage to my liver. I guess what he saw so far was a relief to him, but he told me he wanted to order more tests to make sure. I wanted to tell him not to bother, it wouldn't make any difference. I chose to keep my mouth shut as long as possible knowing they'd never let me out if they thought I would go back and do that again immediately.

I watched the doctor run his hands through his hair, it was a strange shade of bronze. Sitting bolt upright in my bed I gasped and stared at him. He looked at me, startled. He was in even more shock when I threw the covers off and lifted my gown to show him the J carved into my skin on my lower abdomen. When he could move again his hand reached out to touch the scar. I knew he was the boy that killed that man, that man that I hated with all my being. Neither one of us said anything, but his hand didn't move either. He just looked into my eyes trying to see something there as I was doing the same to him.

"Dr. Cullen?" Emmett greeted him jovially. The atmosphere in the room didn't deserve that. Cullen?

"Edward...?" I whispered. It was the name on that tape. The one of the angry, murderous boy.

"Yes, my name is Edward." He said slowly. His eyes still hadn't left mine even after Emmett walked in.

Emmett came over and slapped Edward on the back and said "Good to see you've finally met. I didn't want it to be like this though. Jasper, are you stupid or something?" He asked me.

"What are you talking about, Emmett?" I asked him, unable to remember.

He rolled his eyes at me and said "This is the doctor I wanted you to meet. You're an idiot though. I doubt he'd want to date someone who just tried to take himself out of this world."

"Emmett, get out. Jasper can't handle being teased right now." Edward told him.

"Fine, fine. But I'm keeping an eye on you even if I have to camp out at your house." Emmett threatened. Great.

"I'm sorry about that." Edward and I said at the same time and we both laughed. I groaned, it hurt to laugh after all that vomiting.

"I've got other patient's to see right now, I'll be back to check on you later." Then Edward smiled the most breathtaking crooked smile I'd ever seen before walking out the door. Wow. Maybe I could do this after all. Maybe I could live in this world. He obviously did it. I didn't know how, but he did.

**AN:** _So I gave you guys some hope for Jasper, but don't think for a minute this is over with. Real life is a cold, hard place, not the fantastical place we all wish it was. If it wasn't then we wouldn't appreciate the butterflies and rainbows of life as they came along._


	5. Chapter 5

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Five**

**AN:** _I sincerely hope you guys like Edward's point of view on this. It won't happen often. I'm only updating this now because of my annoyance over the lack of updates of other people's stories._

_Characters belong to Stephenie Meyers, this particular story still belongs to me._

**EPOV**

Walking out the door to Jasper's room I felt his eyes follow me. He was clearly checking out my ass, which was a good thing, that meant he hadn't completely given up on life, even if he thought he had. My neck, face and ears turned bright red though at his stare. When I turned my head a little to look at him his own face flushed pink, embarrassed at being caught. He mumbled a "Sorry." Then he went back to staring at the ceiling.

Out in the hallway I had to sit in one of the chairs there and calm down. Even though I'd been through a lot of therapy in my lifetime I still never thought I'd be faced with something like this. Putting my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands I tried to shut out the memories but couldn't. I was already twelve when the man had taken me, I still looked younger though, not having fully hit puberty. The man took me from a parking lot. I had gone to the mall with my mom and she'd only turned her head for a second and I'd been snatched from her.

The man had kept me locked up naked in his house for over a week. He'd made me watch video after video of each of the kids he'd messed up before raping me. He had tied me to a chair and sat me down in front of the screen to see the torture he'd given the others. Each time I tried to close my eyes and look away I was smacked around. The boy that had gotten to me the most was the blonde one, he looked the most innocent of them all. His wide blue eyes were terrified, his cries hurt my soul. It was after watching that that I decided if the man didn't kill me I would kill him. He would never be allowed to do that to another child again. I'd make sure of it and I did.

Picking up the knife I stabbed it into his thigh right where I knew the artery would be. As a child I was curious and had looked at my father's medical texts fascinated by the human body. I knew where it would be and was at the best height to use it to my advantage. What I didn't know was how much blood there would be. It was shocking that I could look at blood at all now after that.

Emmett's voice broke me out of my reverie when he said "Dude, are you okay?" I only looked up at him. "You look like you've seen a ghost." Emmett said and I sighed. In a sense, I had.

"I'm sorry, Edward." Emmett said.

"Why?" I asked.

"For thinking that you two would be good together. I didn't know he was that messed up in the head." Emmett said. I was sure he didn't know why Jasper was that messed up or that I knew why he was.

"It's okay, Emmett. He's your friend and he needs help." I said. "This kind of stuff doesn't just happen overnight. It usually builds before coming."

Emmett nodded and said "Yeah, he hasn't seemed like himself for a while... ever since I showed him that box... Oh fuck. That box. What the hell was in that box?"

"I don't know, Emmett." I told him even though I was certain I did know, but it wasn't my place to say anything.

Changing the subject I asked "Emmett, how did you know when to find him? He was lucky you did, much longer and he would be dead." I wasn't sure he still wouldn't be. All that tylenol in his system could have caused some very serious liver damage, liver failure. So far he seemed okay, but that didn't mean he hadn't done something to himself. I hoped beyond hope that he hadn't, that was a slow, painful way to die.

"Oh, well he didn't show up for work and he's never late, he never answered his phone either. Also he's been acting weird and depressed all week. It's a good thing I went to look. Doesn't he know how selfish that is? I don't think I could have handled it if he'd offed himself." Emmett said angrily.

"Uh yeah... I don't think he was looking to hurt you, Emmett. He was just trying to get his pain to end." I said. I knew and understood it all too well. I'd been placed in therapy as soon as I came home from that nightmare and had gone for years. Even with therapy I still did some pretty stupid shit.

"Do you think it was a cry for help?" Emmett asked me.

Looking up at him I said "No. He never intended for anyone to find him until it was too late. He just timed it just wrong or just right depending on how you want to look at it for you to find him."

Taking a shaky breath I said "Emmett, I think he'll still try it again. He needs to stay here a while." Jasper certainly had never recovered as much as I had.

"Yeah, I thought he would." Emmett said nodding.

"What about his family? No one's been here to visit him other than you." I asked curious.

"His parents are dead. He doesn't have any other family and he doesn't keep friends around too much. Jasper doesn't have a partner either. I'm the only family he's got and frankly I'm not enough." Emmett explained to me. That answered why he was worried enough to go check on Jasper in the first place. I wondered if Jasper would let me be part of his family. Whoa... stop thinking that, he wasn't ready for anything close to that yet. I wasn't sure he ever would be either.

"Edward, when are they going to move him to the psych ward? I'm not sure I feel comfortable with him being in a room alone." Emmett confided in me.

"There aren't any beds, Em. He'll just have to stay there and have someone watch over him. We already removed all the sharp objects from the room." I told him.

"I saw the scars on his legs... the old ones... What does that mean? How long has this been going on and I didn't notice? I feel like a fucking idiot." Emmett said his tone sad.

"I don't know, but a long, long time. This didn't just happen, Em. He's been dealing with this for a long time." I answered. "A counselor is coming to see him in a little while. I hope that they can help him." I wasn't entirely sure that they could. Sometimes counselors couldn't help more than people that had actually been through the same type of shit you had.

"Okay Emmett, I've got to go and see my other patient's now. Can you watch over him without making an ass out of yourself as usual?" I asked him. He scoffed as though he never did any such thing. I raised a brow at him and he sighed and nodded.

"Can I bring him some food? This hospital food would make me wish I was dead." Emmett said and I chuckled.

"Yeah, you can. We aren't restricting his diet." I told him.

"Great. I'm gonna go talk to him and then get us something to eat. You'll be back later to check on him, right?" Emmett asked looking somewhat hopeful, I wondered what that was about.

"Yeah, I'll be back later. I'll probably make him my last patient on my shift so I don't have to leave." I told him. Emmett beamed at me and waved bye as he walked back into Jasper's room. I hoped he could keep his mouth in check this time.

Leaning my head against the wall I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths before having to get up. When I realized who Jasper was I was surprised. According to his chart we were the same age. The entire time I'd been growing up I thought he was younger than me. He was still a baby when that man hurt him. Even though I was a child when it happened, I didn't feel like one. Jasper though... he was so small and innocent and I wanted to do everything in my power to protect him, to keep him from harm. It never occurred to me that we could be the same age. That those videos were taken that far apart. It made me wonder how many others there had been that had no videos. I sighed, I couldn't keep Jasper from harm, not if he wanted the pain and apparently he did.


	6. Chapter 6

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Six**

**AN:** _I'm happy many of you enjoyed Edward's point of view last chapter, he's definitely much more... healed than Jasper, but he still has his own ghosts._

_Characters belong to Stephenie Meyers, this story is still mine._

**JPOV**

Despair washed over me, overwhelming my senses as soon as Edward walked out of the room. I felt the loss, and the hope I'd had disappeared making me wish I had finished off the job and Emmett hadn't found me. My body shook and I began sweating once again needing a fix. I could hear Emmett and Edward outside talking quietly, at least Edward hadn't outed me completely, I was grateful for that. Right now I needed a fix desperately. Looking around the room I searched and searched for anything sharp. They'd said they took all the sharp things out of the room though. I missed my blood-sick friends. Getting up my body shook even more and I fell to the floor. There. That's what I was looking for. Something, anything sharp. The underneath side of the bed had some sharp edges to it. It might take a little more force than usual to cut myself, but I was going to do it. I _needed _to do it. If they weren't going to let me end my internal pain I was going to have to cause physical pain to get some of what I felt on the inside out. It was like as the release of blood came then the pain on the inside came with it.

Pulling myself closer to the bed I stuck my arm right underneath where the mattress was and quickly before someone could catch me sliced my arm open again. I held my arm next to me and watched fascinated as the blood oozed from the fresh wound. Closing my eyes I felt glee and excitement at getting what I needed, what I craved.

I must have made a noise of triumph because the next thing I knew strong arms were picking me up and placing me back in the bed. Emmett's face was only inches from my own and angry as he said "What the fuck? You're already trying to end your life again after I saved you?"

Shoving him away from me my eyes flashed in just as much anger as I said "I didn't ask you to save me. I didn't want you to save me. I wanted to die, I still do." Then motioning to my arm I said "This makes me feel better, this makes me be able to live with myself on a day to day basis."

Shaking his head Emmett said "I just don't get it. Why are you so unhappy? You could have everything you wanted, but you choose not to. It's not the other way around."

"Emmett, you just don't understand, you never could." I told him.

Then I heard the most beautiful voice in the room say "That's right. He can't understand, but I can. Now if you'll excuse me I still have patients to see before I come back. Emmett, make sure he's watched even if you leave, okay?" Emmett nodded absent-mindedly. Edward turned away and walked out before I could really even see him again.

"Whitlock, stop being an idiot. Now get in that bed properly." Emmett commanded before taking a seat in the chair next to the bed.

"Emmett, you don't have to stay here you know." I told him trying to get him to leave.

He scoffed at me and said "Yeah right. I don't have to stay here. You'll only hurt yourself again as soon as someone leaves. I'm staying right here until the counselor comes to talk to you."

Sighing at him I laid back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling tiles again. Emmett turned the crappy television on to see what was on, looked like more crap to me. I'd stopped watching the news altogether and I was very careful about which television shows I watched, so much of it seemed to make my nightmares worse.

Having to pee I started to get out of bed until Emmett stopped me and asked "Where do you think you're going?"

"Gotta pee, man, now let me go." I said and got out. When I got up to go Emmett made a gagging sound. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I nearly shouted.

"You don't have any underwear on. Dude, I'm pretty sure seeing your ass was not on my agenda today." Emmett said looking disgusted.

"Well, I don't have any clothes here. I only had boxers on when you found me that were soaked in blood. So what you see is what you get, unless you want to go get me some from my house." I told him and walked into the bathroom. Emmett grumbled at me and huffed. Let him. He didn't have to come to my house today, he didn't have to find me. I'd be happier if he hadn't.

After peeing I looked at myself in the mirror. I still looked the same as I had this morning. I was sure I'd see changes. My curly hair was still the same, but maybe a little bit messier. My blues eyes were wide and clear. The only thing different about me were the new cuts. Looking down at the newest one I decided not to clean it up, so what if it got infected. I would gladly welcome death by infection, it would get me closer to my goal, to be dead, to not be here, to not be in pain.

Walking back into the room I laid down on the uncomfortable hospital bed once again. Emmett was still watching TV. Did he really think that would make me wish I was dead less? Some of the dumbest things I'd ever seen were on TV. I needed music badly. If I couldn't get out of this hospital anytime soon then I needed a distraction. "Emmett, will you do me a favor?" I asked him.

"Sure Jasper, within reason. What is it?" He asked me curious.

"Well, will you go to my house and get me some clothes, a toothbrush and toothpaste and my iPod?" I asked. Surely these weren't outrageous requests.

"Yeah, okay. I was going to bring you some food for dinner anyway, this stuff sucks." Emmett said and I tried to smile at him, tried to pretend I felt better than I did this morning. He only narrowed his eyes at me in suspicion.

After a while the counselor came in and Emmett excused himself saying he'd be back with my things soon. "Hi, I'm Dr. Swan." The woman had smooth brown hair and sat down in the chair Emmett vacated. "So Jasper, do you want to tell me what happened today? Why you did this?" She said pointing at my arms.

"No, I don't want to talk to you at all." I said to her. For some reason her kind manner rubbed me the wrong way. I didn't like her, but not for any reason I could think of.

"Jasper, you have to talk to me. If you don't want to tell me about that, then what do you want to talk about?" She asked me, baiting. I didn't say a word, keeping my mouth firmly clamped shut. She was there a total of fifteen minutes before saying "Okay Jasper, well if you won't talk to me then I'll find someone you will talk to. In the meantime I'm writing out some prescriptions for you." Fucking doctors, take this pill and all your pain will go away. What a load of crap. I knew how this would play out. Take a pill, feel better, talk and cry to me about it. The doctor feels better, like they helped. I felt like shit still and I would still be in pain. The only thing the drugs might do is steal my emotions. Right now I guess they thought that was a good thing. I personally didn't like feeling that way, all my anger and sadness would be gone, but so would any happiness or joy. I would feel nothing, only darkness. Those pills only helped if something was wrong with the chemicals in your brain. What was wrong with me was my shitty life.

My parents put me in counseling when I was a teenager and started acting out. They'd seen the scars on my arms, which is why I moved them to my legs. I'd started using every once in a while. I never felt guilty over any of those things which disturbed my parents even more. Now that they were dead I wished I'd been a better son to them. The only good thing that came out of therapy was I'd figured out I was gay, my parents didn't seem surprised by my confession either. I just remember not being able to get it up for any girl, at all. At first I thought maybe I'd been so traumatized that I was going to be asexual my entire life. When I started to notice the guys in the locker room at school, I knew. Apparently I was gay. For some people this might have been a nightmare realization. For me though it was a relief to know that I wasn't as bad off as I thought, that I would eventually be able to have sex with_ someone_. It did always bother me though when I thought back to that man and what he'd done. Had he made gay? Did I enjoy what he did? No, surely not. No one seemed to have the answer. Depending on who you talked to the answer was always different. Fucking idiots, no one knew anything. _Yeah Jasper, did you really expect them to?_


	7. Chapter 7

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Seven**

_Characters belong to Stephenie Meyers, this story and nightmare is still mine._

**JPOV**

Dr. Swan left me in the room alone, bitch. She wasn't a very good doctor if she left me here by myself, was she? Getting out of bed I made my way to the bathroom again just for something to do, I was bored out of my fucking mind. When I came back into the room a nurse was there waiting for me. She took my vital signs as if I really needed her to. Then she said "Are you hungry?"

My stomach growled loudly then and I nodded my head. She came back with a little bit of food, nothing like a full meal though. I doubted I could keep it down after all that charcoal even though I was starving. Hmm... someone that wanted to die shouldn't be hungry, should they? I nibbled at the food, even though it wasn't much it was still hospital food. Gross. The nurse stayed with me while I ate and I wondered if it was just so she could pass the time, as though they didn't trust me in here alone. After my earlier stunt they shouldn't, but I wished they would.

"Whitlock, I'm back, man." Emmett said the scent of fast food wafting over to me. My mouth watered, I guess I was still hungry. He set a small bag down that I assumed had the things I asked for from my home since the bag came from my apartment. Then he sat down in the empty chair and waited until the nurse left us. Putting the food on the hospital tray in front of me he started pulling things out. They were all the greasiest, fattiest foods I'd ever seen at one time.

"What's all this, Emmett?" I asked him truly curious.

"Well... I wanted to remind you of what you'd be missing." He said looking down. I supposed that was his way of being thoughtful, but I really didn't eat most of this stuff on a normal basis. Taking a few bites of the greasy tasteless food, the inside of my mouth had a layer of film on it that I didn't care for. I only took a few more bites of food before I gave up on pretending I even liked the stuff. It was disgusting. If I was going to eat rich food I wanted something better than that. Hmm... again, why would I care? Didn't I want life to end?

Pushing the tray away from me I got up and picked up the bag. I was pretty sure they'd make me stay in a hospital gown, but I at least wanted to put some underwear on. The whole hospital didn't need to see my ass hanging out. Now if Edward wanted to... I shook my head, that was a dangerous line of thought, especially as I didn't intend to live much longer.

Opening my bag in the bathroom I found the stuff to brush my teeth and then some boxer briefs, everything had been thrown haphazardly in the bag. I had to rearrange everything so I could find things. Eventually my hand landed on my iPod. My body instantly relaxed when I felt it, I needed it to get me through the hours of boredom.

Coming back out to the room iPod in hand I climbed back into the bed. The bed was already in a sitting position to eat so I just leaned my back against it and crossed my legs Indian style. Emmett had either finished off or thrown away the food he'd brought, I wasn't certain. He moved the chair so it was facing me now.

Emmett's eyes looked sad when he took me in and on the verge of tears. "Jasper, please don't kill yourself. I... I... don't think I could handle it." He swallowed a few times as he said this pleading with me.

"Emmett... I..." What should I say? I couldn't handle living in this world, so I was supposed to live in it because he wished it? No.

At that moment Edward interrupted us and I was grateful for it. It seemed like he was giving me the mercy I desperately needed. "Emmett, you should go home. I can stay here with Jasper." Edward said.

Emmett looked at Edward and said "You have to work tomorrow too, you should go home and get some rest."

Edward only shook his head and said "No, you go on ahead. I'm sure Rosalie wants you home."

"What about Alice?" Emmett asked Edward. Alice? Who's Alice? I was positive Edward was gay, so that didn't make sense.

Edward shrugged and said "She can fend for herself for one night. I'll call and tell her I'm staying here. Besides, you'd be kicked out in a few hours. One of the advantages of working here... I'm never kicked out." He had a wide grin when he said the last.

"Okay, okay. You got me. I'll go home after you call Alice." Emmett said not wanting me to be alone for one second. Edward turned around and walked to the nurse's station that I could barely make out through the open door. He looked like he was smiling and laughing on the phone before he came back to the room.

"Now go home, Emmett." Edward commanded.

Emmett got up from the chair and before leaving said "See you _tomorrow,_ Whitlock."

I rolled my eyes at him and said "Bye." I knew I should be grateful that he saved my life and under any other circumstances I would have been, but not when I was the one that wanted it to end.

Edward sat down in the empty chair. His nose wrinkled at the smell in the room. It still reeked of fast food and grease. "Damn, what did Emmett feed you? That smell is disgusting." Edward said and I laughed, hadn't I thought that as well?

His eyes crinkled a little at my laugh and he gave me a crooked smile in return. It was beautiful. Damn it. Jasper, you have it bad and you don't even want it. Trying to appear normal I said "Yeah, it is. Emmett brought me some fast food. I didn't eat much of it though, I don't really like food like that very often. It lacks taste except grease." That was true. I probably could have eaten a lot of that crap at one point in my life, but after getting used to not eating it your taste buds slowly come back and reminded you what real food is supposed to taste like.

Edward laughed and said "I'll have to remember that tomorrow."

Surprised by this I asked "You're coming back tomorrow?"

"Yes. If that's okay with you. Emmett told me you didn't have anyone other than him and he's one of my closest friends, so if you don't mind I'd like to stay." Edward said seriously.

Nodding my head in assent I still wondered why he'd want to stay. Maybe he was just curious about me, about our shared past, our terrifying connection. "Jasper, I want you to tell me anything. I know a counselor isn't the same as someone that's been there too." Edward told me and I couldn't say a word, couldn't breathe. I felt like the whole room had turned upside down. He wanted to talk to me? He wanted me to talk to him? How? How could he even be comfortable talking about it at all? I wasn't. "Jasper, are you okay? You've gone all white." He said and I couldn't speak, I felt like I was about to vomit. The saliva started to build in my mouth and I shot out of the bed nearly falling and into the bathroom. I barely made it before I threw up violently. When I was done I walked to the sink to rinse out my mouth and looked at my face in the mirror. Now I had broken red capillaries to go along with the redness of my arms, nice.


	8. Chapter 8

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Eight**

_Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer's, my story is my own._

**JPOV**

Edward stood in the doorway to the bathroom, a look of concern pasted on his face. "I'm sorry if I said something I shouldn't." He said to me. I wasn't sure if it's what he said or the food that had gotten to me, possibly both.

Breathing heavily, I gasped out "No, it's okay. It's just... I don't like remembering those things." My body was shaky as I made my way back toward him and toward the bed. He put his hand on my arm trying to keep me steady as I got back to the bed. I guess therapy helped me somewhat then. I'd never have been able to allow anyone to touch me for a long time. My parents couldn't even hug me or I'd start crying or screaming. It took a few years before I allowed it or anyone to touch me even in the most platonic way.

Edward sat back down in the chair and didn't speak, as though he was afraid he'd already gone too far. I couldn't talk to him, I didn't want to. The day had already been too stressful. Putting my earphones in I turned my iPod on and tried to concentrate on the notes as I closed my eyes, intent on sleeping my pain away. Just like the rest of my life I wasn't that lucky. I knew I was dreaming, at first it was a good dream, but... then my dream had to go down that road, my mind wouldn't let me have one good one. I was beyond frustrated. There was no escape even in my dreams, none.

Edward and I were at my apartment, in my bedroom to be exact. We were kissing in the dream, our hands touching each other everywhere, clothes were being removed. I wanted this man in front of me, so much. The connection we shared in the dream went deeper than our pasts. Then he spun me around and had his chest to my back, his lips on my neck. His cock was pressed against my ass and I moaned out in pleasure. Edward nipped up to my ear and said "Baby, let me make you feel good." It was at that point that I was no longer the grown man I was. On the outside I was, on the inside I was my six year old self. Edward was no longer a victim, no longer the killer of our predator, he was the predator himself.

I was being shaken awake by something. Tears flowed down my cheeks to the pillow. No, no, no. Sitting up abruptly in bed I took a shaky breath. "Are you okay?" Edward asked me. No, I was not okay. This would never be okay. How could I want someone so much and then dream that? If I ever tried anything with Edward would I have something like that happen to me again? It was better not to find out. The shadow would always be there, lurking, laughing at me. The man had poisoned me, every part of me, just as I was sure he'd done to Edward. I would give anything for someone to suck the poison out. Lying back down in my bed I muttered in my head 'It was just a dream, just a dream. He's not here, he's gone, he can't hurt me. Edward killed him, he's not here.' Then my mind went to muttering about 'I can't believe he has a normal life. I don't.'

Somewhere to the side of me Edward snorted and questioned "You think I have a normal life?" Shit, had I said that out loud?

Peeking at him I said "It's more normal than mine. I don't see you in here."

Sitting back down in the chair next to my bed Edward took my hand in his. I was surprised I didn't snatch it away, especially after a dream like that. Then he said "I worked hard to be this normal. My sister lives with me and says she always will until I have someone to else to live with. She's terrified that I'll try killing myself again. I haven't tried anything in a long time, but four failed attempts warrants her distrust. She was the one that found me, _every_ time." I gasped. Four failed attempts?

Edward closed his eyes and taking a shaky breath said "What were you dreaming about anyway? I heard my name in there." I could feel my face turn hot and looked away from his gaze, not wanting to say, too embarrassed and mortified to. I didn't know if it was over the fact that it was a sex dream I started out with or that I had turned him into the monster.

"Jasper, you might as well tell me. I could hear you talking in your sleep, I already know I was in it and you turned me into that man." Edward told me. He knew far too much for my liking, but I told him the rest of the dream anyway. Looking at me as though he was making a promise, a promise he wouldn't break he said "Jasper, let me tell you one thing. I will never call you baby, no matter what happens or doesn't in our time together." Then his gaze became more intense as he said "I saw the video, I know that's what he called you."

Gasping I asked "You saw it? Why? How?"

Closing his eyes he nodded and took a deep breath, this time his hand trembled in mine and I felt like I should comfort him. "He... made me watch them. _All_ of them. He made me watch a tape while touching me right before he raped me, then he repeated it over again with a new one." Opening his eyes he looked right at me and said "You're the reason I killed him, it was your video that broke my heart, made me angrier than I already was. How could he do that? You were so young, younger than the others. I wanted to hold you, keep you safe from that man, but I couldn't. Killing him was the only way I could do that." My eyes filled with more tears as I thought about what it must have cost him to not only be raped that many times, but to have killed someone on top of it.

My voice hitched as I said in a whisper "Yours was the one that got to me the most, too."

We didn't speak for a while, both lost in our thoughts. He didn't let go of my hand though and I let mine remain in his. Looking at it, it was a revelation to me. I didn't hold hands, with anyone, ever. The fact that I didn't pull away was powerful. I didn't know if it was because we did share a past that I wished we didn't, or if I truly liked him. This was a bad idea, I still had every intention of ending my life, but I just couldn't let him go.

Out of the silence in the room Edward's voice suddenly broke it, I jumped as he said "I was twelve."

Confused for a minute I asked "What?"

"When he took me I was twelve." Edward answered.

"I was six when he took me. You didn't look like you were twelve." I commented.

"Well, I was still twelve, even though I looked younger than I was." He replied, he wasn't looking at me, instead keeping his focus on the ceiling.

Sitting up straight in the bed I asked "Edward, did you know you were gay before or after?" I wasn't sure he'd answer such a personal question, but I had to know. My own life left too many questions on the subject.

Glancing back at my face he answered "Before. I always wondered if that is why he took me, like he already knew." I squeezed his hand, he had been just as confused as I was. It was comforting.

The silence stretched on into the night. Eventually I fell asleep, this time without nightmares. When my eyes fluttered open again I could see the outline of Edward in the chair. The light had been turned off and he had a blanket over him, but his hand was still in mine, warming me. Studying his face as he dozed he looked more at peace now than yesterday. I wondered if I was as well. Blowing out my breath I sighed, it didn't matter.

Edward stirred awake at my noise and smiled sleepily. Blinking a few times he cleared his throat and found his voice, something I neglected to find and said "Good morning. Are you feeling better today?"

No sound came forth when I tried to answer. I did feel better, but not enough that I didn't want to kill myself. The thought was still there. Edward's lips pressed into a firm line and he nodded his head, as though he knew exactly how I felt. He probably did.

Letting my hand go he went into the bathroom to wash his face and put his hair into some semblance of order. When he came back out he said "I've got to get back to work, Jasper. I'll check on you again later. I'm sure Emmett will be by any minute now." Then he walked out of the room. I still hadn't found my voice and now my hand was cold and hollow, just like the rest of me.


	9. Chapter 9

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Nine**

**AN:** _A little bit of Edward this time. Thanks to everyone who has continued to read this story even though it's not easy._

_Characters belong to SM, this story is still all mine._

**EPOV**

Leaving Jasper's side I paused outside the door, unable to breathe. I felt excruciating pain and fear, fear that he would succeed next time in ending his life. Why did I even care? I barely knew him. The only thing I did know is that I was drawn to him. I was wary, was it attraction or was it our pasts?

His nightmare I witnessed firsthand last night was unnerving. He talked and screamed and thrashed around. I had to wake him up, I had too. How the hell did he ever manage to be with anyone with nightmares like that? It seemed to me that he was unable to let go, that man had damaged his young impressionable mind too much.

Snapping me out of it Angela asked "Hey Edward, are you okay?" I shook my head no. How was I supposed to tell her what was going on?

"All right. Do you need to talk about it?" She peered behind me into Jasper's room. No, I didn't want to fucking talk about it.

"I don't think I can, right now." I told her and sat down running my hand over my face.

She sat down beside me and said "That's okay." Smiling at me she asked "Is that a friend of yours?" In the back of my mind I wondered _if_ Jasper was my friend, _if_ we ever had any sort of relationship outside of this hospital, if it would end in his funeral by his own hand.

Shaking my head no I said "No, I just met him yesterday. He's a friend of Emmett's."

"Really?" She questioned. "You mean to tell me you slept in that room all night with someone you hardly know?" Nodding at her she laughed and said "Edward, please tell me that boy is gay too." I snorted at her. What difference did it make? He wanted to die.

Looking at her for the first time this morning she looked tired. "Isn't it time for you to go home?" I asked her.

"Yeah, I'm exhausted and I have to work the night shift again tonight." Angela answered me yawning before asking her own question. "Will you be here again tonight?"

"I was planning on it." I told her. "Thanks Ang, for giving me a blanket." I said remembering that I'd been covered with one this morning and I knew I didn't get up and get it.

She giggled and said "Only for you, doc." Angela and I had been friends since college. We'd been in the same study group before I'd gone on to medical school. Needless to say she'd been a nurse longer than I'd been a doctor.

Angela and Bella were the only two people in this hospital I called by their first names, unless it was in front of another patient. Angela was still sweet, but I wondered how long that would last. Most nurses didn't stay nurses with that sweetness, they couldn't, it hurt too much. It was rare that they ever retained it.

Wrinkling her nose Angela said "Morning breath."

I laughed and asked "That bad?" She nodded her head at me before she jumped up and went to her purse. Rummaging through it she pulled out a plastic bag.

"Here, this ought to help." She told me handing me the bag. Inside was a toothbrush, toothpaste, and floss. "I don't use any of this stuff, it just takes up space in my purse every time I see the dentist."

"Uh, thanks." I said. My patients would probably prefer the doctor with minty breath over the one with morning breath.

"You're welcome." She replied smiling happily, even though it was a sleepy one.

Hearing heavy footsteps walking down the hall both of us turned our heads. Emmett was there plodding slowly and looking pale. He appeared in a daze as he came towards us. "Hey, Emmett." I called out to him.

Turning his head to look at me he blinked his eyes a few times and looked, if possible, even paler. He was nearly green. Swallowing hard he mumbled out "Hey." Not saying anything else he walked into Jasper's room and sat in the chair with his head on the bed. I could see his shoulders shaking from here. There wasn't anything I could do for him though, so I left him alone.

Getting up to make my rounds I said "Good night, Angela. Say hi to Ben for me." I'd introduced her to her husband Ben several years ago. Saying her goodbyes she got up to give her report to the next nurse before leaving.

Walking into the first bathroom I came across I pulled out the toothbrush and toothpaste from the plastic bag and began cleaning my teeth. Looking into the mirror I thought about the differences between Jasper and me. I had no visible or self-inflicted scars on my body. The only ones that were still there were the ones that man put there. Placing my hand on my chest I could see in my mind the scar that ran down the center of my chest and curled around my stomach ending in a J. My father had wanted me to see a plastic surgeon to see what they could do about removing it. He thought it would cause more problems being there as a reminder on a daily basis. I wouldn't let him. Although it sometimes brought up questions I didn't want to answer, I was weirdly proud of it. Proud that I'd survived, proud that I'd destroyed that man. I did felt guilt sometimes at taking someone's life, even if it was such a monster, but pride was always a little more prominent. He couldn't hurt anyone else again after me killing him. To me even though he raped me so many times and I still struggled from it, it seemed as though that was the reason he took me. In my mind I was the one that was supposed to end him.

Sometimes I wondered if I'd shown him too much mercy. Maybe he should have had to live with everyone knowing who he was and what he'd done. Then again if I hadn't killed him or only succeeded in injuring him I would probably be the one that was dead now.

Finishing up and rinsing out my mouth I put everything back in the plastic bag and stuck it one of my pockets. I had to get out of this bathroom and the silence before I had anymore random thoughts.

Going about my business my day seemed to drag by. There was only one place I wanted to be right now and I wasn't there. Bumping into Bella a couple of times I tried avoiding her as much as possible. She would ask me questions, questions I didn't want to answer. She was the only one aside from my family that ever knew what happened to me, we'd been friends since high school. According to her I was the reason she became a psychiatrist, and also my worst fucking nightmare. We seemed to argue more now than we ever had before.


	10. Chapter 10

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Ten**

_Characters belong to SM, the story is all mine._

**JPOV**

Edward was outside talking to a woman, they sounded like friends. She asked him if we were friends. No, we weren't friends. We'd just met. Could I even be friends with someone? Did I want to be? No. No one else should be hurt by me. He would be hurt.

My past relationships had never worked out, no one could understand me, understand my reactions to things. Edward promised he wouldn't call me baby, but that didn't mean it wouldn't slip. I'd been with men before that had called me that in the heat of the moment. They never could understand why I'd end it then, why I'd run. I never looked back, never explained myself. To me no one was worth telling my story too.

My emotions were as liquid. They were easily contained, but one, just one, slight mishap could send them spilling forth, leaving me empty, weightless. Sometimes I wish I was made of nothing. If I was nothing, then I could control what I was made of, what went inside me.

Closing my eyes I tried to will the sounds and sights and smells of the hospital away. Why was I here again? Oh yeah, because I couldn't finish the job right the first time.

My bed was shaking, rocking hard. I must have fallen asleep again out of boredom because the sounds were much busier than before. Why was my bed shaking? Opening one eye I peered out into the room and saw Emmett. He was in the chair, but his head and arms were on the bed. That still didn't explain why it was shaking so hard. "Emmett?" My vocal cords croaked out.

Emmett's head shot up and I could see the tears on his face, the snot running down his nose. He'd been sobbing on my bed. Why? Emmett didn't cry, ever. "Why are you crying?" I asked him. He looked at me in disbelief.

"Why am I crying? Are you serious?" He shook his head at me. "My friend tries to kill himself yesterday and it makes me curious, so I go and look at the box I gave to you. Why didn't you tell me? Hell, why didn't Eddie tell me? I didn't know that stuff happened to him either."

Swallowing hard I said "Do you really think I want to relive it? That I want to tell the story?" Edward never told Emmett? Why?

"I just can't believe that happened to you, either of you." Emmett said and pulled me in for a fierce hug. I wished he'd let go, I couldn't breathe and I was not comfortable with touching very much. Edward had been the exception to that rule and I doubted he even knew, knew how much that meant.

"You can't believe _what _happened?" Edward asked as he walked into the room.

Emmett was still sniffling and sobbing and not making any sense, so I stepped in. "He saw the videos of us." I stated flatly, conveying no emotion.

"Oh." Edward said and then his eyes widened as the realization of what I'd just said sunk in and he shouted "OH!"

Emmett rounded on him and said angrily "Why didn't you tell me? We've been friends for a long time and you never mentioned a thing."

"Why? Why do you think? You wouldn't understand anyway and I didn't want you to feel that kind of pain." Edward told him.

"So... all those times Alice said you were in the hospital sick, they weren't true, were they? You did the same thing that Jasper did, didn't you?" Emmett asked sneering.

"Emmett... I was sick, just not in the way you thought. Now calm down. You can yell at me later, I can handle it. Jasper can't right now." Edward spoke softly. Emmett looked at us in horror and shame and sat back down in the chair, still crying. He laid his head back down on the bed.

Shocking myself my hand went to his head patting it. Looking at Edward I mouthed 'What do we do now?'

Edward's jaw tightened right before he mouthed back 'Don't kill yourself.' Forgetting that I was supposed to act like I was better I shook my head no. Tears welled in Edward's eyes and he tried to blink them back. My hand moved of its own accord from Emmett's head to Edward's face. I didn't want to see the beautiful man cry, I just didn't know how to stop it. I didn't know how to crawl my way out of this hell, out of this prison that I was locked in.

**AN:** _So... some of you were right about Emmett._


	11. Chapter 11

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Eleven**

_Characters belong to SM, story still mine._

**JPOV**

Edward put his hand over mine, the one that had stilled on his face. He squeezed it gently and set it back down on the bed. I wanted to reach back up and touch him again, but I knew that was a terrible idea.

"I have to go back to work, Jasper. I'll be back when my shift is over." He told me.

Looking up at him I said "Are you sure you want to come back? If you'd rather go home I'm not stopping you." I wanted him to stay here, with me. At the same time I wanted him to go, he'd only be hurt by me, I knew this.

"Jasper, I'm coming. Now stop trying to talk me out of it." Edward said before he walked out of the room.

Outside the room I could hear Edward and another person talking. It sounded like Dr. Swan. Great, just fucking great. She was just the person I wanted to see now. "Edward, please tell me what you know. I know you had to have talked to him." She pleaded with him.

"Bella, if he wants you to know something he'll tell you himself. I'm not about to do it for you. If he wants to tell me something he needs to know that he can without me running off to tell the shrink." Edward sounded angry.

Changing tactics she asked "Well, is he helping you through your stuff?"

Exasperated Edward sighed loudly and said "For the love of god, why won't you give it a rest?"

"Because you're my friend too and I don't want to see you hurt either. I want this to be a good thing for you, for both of you." She explained.

"Bella, for the last fucking time I don't need a counselor. Stop trying to be mine. We are friends and I wish you would stop analyzing me and just be that, my friend." Edward was nearly shouting at her. I could hear his footsteps get farther away as he walked away from the room.

It took a few minutes before Dr. Swan or Bella as Edward had called her walked into the room. She looked stressed. Good. "Are you ready to talk to me today?"

"I sure as hell am not." I seethed. I didn't want her here. I didn't want to open up to her, she wouldn't, couldn't understand. How could she not be just Edward's friend? That alone irked me. I knew there was a reason I didn't like her.

Emmett sat up and wiped his face. He looked at me and then back at Dr. Swan with bleary eyes. "Jasper, I'm gonna go now. I'll let you talk to the counselor. I've gotta call Rosie anyway." Emmett said before exiting the room.

The entire time Dr. Swan was in the room I didn't speak, again. I wouldn't even look at her today. Before she left I heard her mumble under her breath "I hope Edward does a better job breaking down your walls than I'm apparently able to do." Go away, bitch. Bring Edward back and just go the fuck away.

I wanted, no, needed to climb that mountain, needed to find the strength to push myself just that little bit harder. I wanted to be able to breathe once again. I needed to do it for Edward. I needed to do it for me. Could I do it? I had no idea. I knew it would be a hard road and I'd probably change my mind once again, wanting to kill myself again, just like always. It was always like that, the battle my mind went through. One minute I'd want to live, to enjoy life, the next I wanted no more of it, it was too hard to live in it.

_**AN:** How Edward talks about Bella and feels about her analyzing is exactly how I feel about my own best friend a good majority of the time, yes, she's a psychiatrist. She drives me absolutely up the fucking walls with her rhetoric. We can't even go to a movie without her trying to give me unwanted advice. Most of the time I'm thinking she should take her own damn advice. She doesn't listen to me, can't even remember I hate tea after nineteen years of friendship._


	12. Chapter 12

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twelve**

_AN: Okay, I'm going to say something here that doesn't actually relate to this story. I am FURIOUS with the flames my friend OCDJen has gotten. There is no need for it. That isn't constructive criticism, that's just plain cruel. If you don't like someone's story, then stop reading it. People write what they want here for free, not for you to bully them. I only fix her grammar, I don't change her story because then it would be my story, and it isn't, it's hers. So if you don't like it, fuck off and go somewhere else. She is definitely much nicer than I am, and hasn't reported you yet, whereas, I would have the first time. Don't fuck with me today. I'm sicker than crap, having never gotten over whatever I had to begin with, now I'm pretty sure I have pneumonia, which makes me just that much nastier._

_Okay, on to the real story for those of you who can play nice._

_Characters belong to SM, story still all mine._

**JPOV**

Emmett came back in not that much later after Dr. Swan left my room. He still looked incredibly upset, every single time he looked at me he had tears in his eyes. Shit, I couldn't take this. I felt bad enough, he didn't need to feel bad too. There wasn't anything I could do to help him, it wasn't like I was in here because I was strong, because I could help anyone.

Turning the shitty TV on I flipped through the channels for something to do more than actually wanting to watch it. I needed a distraction from the noise of the hospital and the silence emanating from Emmett.

Seeing a picture flash across the screen I stopped my clicks. The picture was of a small boy with brown hair and green eyes, his eyes reminded me of Edward's. It was the eyes that made me pause on that station.

Turning up the sound I listened to the breaking news as the news anchor said that that boy had been taken early this morning while he was waiting on the bus for school. No one knew he was missing until he didn't show up for class. His parents were contacted as they didn't call him in as being sick, they didn't know where he was. The last time they'd seen him he was at the bus stop.

The parents were crying and hysterical, begging for the their son to be found, to be released. That had to be what our parents had to have looked like when we went missing. Only when we had been taken you had to wait twenty-four hours to report even a child missing. Now with the Amber Alert effectively in place you didn't have to wait that long. Sometimes you'd find the kid somewhere and they had no idea you were looking for them, they were just playing. But, there were always those cases that you found the child just that much sooner, just that much closer from being harmed, abused or killed. If that alert saved only one child from the trauma that Edward or I had been through it was well worth it.

The longer I listened to the news the more panicked I became. A child was out there that needed help, he wouldn't be the only one. I couldn't do anything about it in here, but Emmett could and yet here he was trying to help me when I didn't want to be helped. He should help someone it wasn't too late for. Edward and I's era of innocence was long gone, taken too early on, taken forcibly, but it might not be too late for some of them.

"Emmett?" I tried to get his attention. He acted like he didn't hear me. "Emmett?" I shouted at him shaking his shoulder.

Looking up at me in startlement he said "What?"

"You need to go back to work." I commanded him, not asking him.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Whitlock? I'm staying right here until I know you are better." He stated. No, he wasn't. Not for me. I wasn't worth it, but the other children were.

"You are not. You are going back to work, now." I argued.

"Why the fuck would I do that? Just yesterday you tried to kill yourself." He shot back at me.

"You are going. Look at the news." I said pointing at the TV. His head swiveled around so he could see it.

When he turned back to me all the color had drained from his face. He couldn't speak, he just stared at me. "Emmett, you've got to go. You can't save me or Edward anymore, but you can save other kids." I pleaded with him to go, to understand. He probably wouldn't have anything to do with the case that was on the news, but there were always other ones, always. Unfortunately.

"But who's going to watch you?" He asked in bewilderment.

"I can." Said a bright, irritatingly chirpy voice. I couldn't see who the voice belonged to.


	13. Chapter 13

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Thirteen**

**AN:** _Thanks guys on showing Jen some support. No one deserves to be torn apart like that, no one. This isn't junior high with bullies, or at least it shouldn't be. I put an end to letting people run me over a long time ago, so when I see it happening it pisses me off. _

_Alright, if you are reading this or any of my other work I probably won't be updating again this week. I, unfortunately, do have pneumonia. I may take a look at my stuff and try to fix the typos and stuff, but being able to write something that's worth reading probably won't be happening. _

_A little lighter chapter this time, sort of._

_Characters belong to SM, story still all me._

**JPOV**

"Alice, what are you doing here?" Emmett questioned her irritated. Alice? Edward's sister. Looked like I was going to meet her whether I wanted to or not.

"Well, I was coming to see what kept my brother from coming home last night. Sue me, I was curious." She explained.

Emmett snorted at her saying "Yeah, you can't keep your nose out of anybody's business."

Even though I couldn't see her do this, I thought she rolled her eyes at him and said "You were the one that told me your partner was here. Edward didn't even tell me why he didn't come home, he just said he had to stay late and would just spend the night here."

"Fuck. Alice, your brother is going to kill me when he finds out I told you anything." Emmett groaned.

"More reason for you to get out of here and do what... Jasper wants. That is your name, isn't it?" Her melodic voice floated to me. Damn, that must run in the family.

"That's my name." I answered. Did I want her here? Seemed to me she'd talk my ear off. Oh well, it might be a distraction from the boredom and if it got Emmett to go back to work...

"Great. My name is Alice. Now would you move, Emmett, and let me sit down. You go on back to work, your partner told you to go." She was bossy.

Sighing Emmett got up and said "Yes, ma'm." I chuckled in my head. "See you later, Whitlock. I still plan on checking in on you though, so don't go anywhere, man." He told me walking out of the room, I rolled my eyes at him.

Until the big man was gone from the room I hadn't even seen Alice. She was a tiny woman. The only thing of Edward I saw in her was her piercing green eyes. Alice was slight, with short black hair that I thought might have been dyed that color.

Flashing me a blindingly white smile she said "Hi, I'm Alice. Now we can be properly introduced." She stuck her hand out for me to shake. Unable to do anything else I shook her's in response.

"So, Jasper, what would you like to do today?" She asked me. Do? What the fuck could you do in the hospital?

"Do?" I inquired.

"Yes, do. Now turn that TV off, that won't make you any better." She demanded, taking control.

"You sure are bossy, Alice." I stated clicking the TV off. I only turned it off at her request because I didn't want to be dragged down by it anymore, not because she told me to. If I left it on I knew the dark dye of the world's degradation would affect me, would make me seek the release of my internal pain, not only my own, but everyone else's.

"Yep, I know I am. Edward complains about it all the time." She told me and grinned.

"So... what do you want to do?" She asked me again.

Rolling my eyes at her I said "We are in a hospital, there isn't much to do."

Snorting at me she said "Did you really think I'd come here without bringing stuff to do?" Then she held up a massive bag that probably outweighed her.

"What the hell do you have in there?" I questioned her half expecting it to be something like the bag Mary Poppins had. Might as well be, it seemed like Alice was my babysitter, in a sense.

"Hmm... well, let's see..." She started pulling things out one by one. Various kinds of cards came out, some that I'd never seen before. Some books with crosswords and other things to pass the time. Then she pulled out a pad that was blank and crayons. Crayons? I noticed not a single thing she pulled out of there had a sharp edge to it, she must have done this before. _Of course she has, Jasper, she's been through this with Edward. Oh, yeah._

"Just how exactly are cards going to make me feel better?" I asked baffled.

"They won't, Jasper. It's merely to make the time pass in this place, besides, it's the conversation that'll make you feel better." She stated.

"Conversation?" I questioned raising a brow at her.

"Yeah, conversation. You don't have to talk if you don't want to, I can do enough talking for the both of us." Then she laughed and slapped my upper arm lightly. I cringed at feeling her touch me. Alice frowned and with tears in her eyes that reminded me so much of Edward's this morning said "I'm sorry. I should know better."

I didn't know if I liked her irritatingly chirpy demeanor, but I knew I didn't like this. I was sad enough for everyone, they shouldn't be sad too, not if they didn't have to be.

**AN:** _ So some of you were right, it's Alice. Some of you may think the crayons thing is cheesy, but that is what they give you in the psych hospital, at least they did me. No pencils or pens are allowed because they are considered sharp, neither are notebooks with spirals._

_If anyone wants to talk to me I now have a twitter account under the same name as here. Ealasaid77 I've never used it before, so... that'll be interesting._


	14. Chapter 14

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Fourteen**

**AN:**_ So... didn't think I was going to get this out as I'm sick, but having all damn day to do nothing but think... made me write this short piece out. My other slash story is going to take much longer to get out I think, it keeps getting all swirled around in my head. I did try to get all my typos in that one fixed, next is this one._

_Characters belong to SM, my story_

**JPOV**

"Alice?" I asked and watched her wipe her tears away.

"Yeah?" She asked back before sitting in the chair Emmett relinquished.

"Did Emmett tell you why I was here?" I questioned her. Emmett could have told her anything, anything from me trying to committ suicide to my whole past that was so similar to Edward's. The tears in her eyes when I cringed at her made me think that she knew.

"Jasper, he only told me his partner tried to kill himself, that he found you." Alice told me.

Huh? Emmett managed to keep his mouth shut? That was shocking. Looking to the ceiling I contemplated that and if she'd ever know how close Edward and I really were, even if it was just by that psychotic man.

When I looked back at her she'd arranged cards on the hospital tray on one side and the crayons and pad of paper on the other. Did she really expect me to color? That was stupid, I was a grown man. What the hell did I need that for?

Dealing out the cards Alice asked "Do you know how to play this game?" Looking down at the cards I wondered what in hell cards were those.

"Uh, no. Never seen those before in my life." I answered her.

"These are Phase Ten cards, so ten phases to win." She explained.

"Um, Alice, just how long is the game going to take?" I didn't know if I could concentrate on something that long right now.

"It'll be a while, since we aren't playing in teams. Are you really telling me you have somewhere else to be?" Alice asked. Yeah, not here. I wanted to be dead, remember? I didn't say that though, I just shook my head and let her explain the rules.

Once we started playing Alice wouldn't stop talking, she talked incessantly about the most mundane, boring things I'd ever heard. Why was she torturing me this way? My body and my mind started to relax under the nothingness of those things. They weren't important, so I could finally let go, somewhat.

About halfway through playing I realized my hands were no longer idle, that I'd been drawing the entire time. When I looked down at what was on the page before me I gasped. Why the hell would I draw that? I couldn't draw very well, but I knew what was represented there.

Lying down on the bottom of the page was an image of a man, in outline only, hollow, in blue. Above him was another solid figure, in black, mouth open wide, and laughing. Around them was congealed dark, nearly black, blood, blood everywhere. The top of the page had in one corner a large, looming deep red figure, that one was trying to pull the black figure off of me. The other corner had a figure in gold, this one with deep emerald green eyes. That one wasn't trying to pull the black figure from me, it was trying to pull me out from under it and away. It didn't take a genius to figure out who they were or what they all meant.

Alice had stopped speaking when I gasped, but I hadn't realized it. She smiled to herself and grasped my hand. I tried to pull it away, she only held on tighter. "Jasper, that's really good, try to get it all out there and out of you." What? She was looking down at the paper. Oh. "Can you do another one?" She asked me. I never realized I'd started the first one until it was done.

Shrugging at her I said "Maybe."

She let go of my hand then and said "Your turn." Blindly putting a card down I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't think I ever understood the rules to this game and as my mind was clearly elsewhere hadn't been paying attention.

We continued playing the game until I heard Alice whisper "Oh my god." What? She was looking down at the new paper I'd drawn on. This one had a small figure in it, marked with a J. There was a huge monster standing behind it with a knife in its hand, dripping in blood. I wanted to cry.

Alice looked at me and breathed "Jasper?" She was looking at the paper with tears rolling down her cheeks. "That's why Edward stayed." She stated, not asking. I nodded at her. "Jasper, I knew something like that happened to you too, it's not hard to spot, but this...."

Her green eyes lifted to mine as she said "You're the one, you're the one he killed for." I didn't know what to say to her in repsonse.

"Yes, Alice, he's the one I killed for." Said Edward's similarly melodic, but deeper voice. She spun around on her chair and my head snapped up. "What are you doing here, Alice? What happened to Emmett?"

"I came by to see Jasper, he's Emmett's partner after all. As to why I'm still here, Jasper told Emmett to go back to work." Alice defended.

Edward's jaw tightened before he said "I'm done with my shift now, so... you can go home now."

"What if I don't want to?" Alice pouted.

"Go, Alice. You shouldn't be here to begin with." He commanded.

"Fine, I'll go, but I'm going to go get you some dinner first before I go home, if that's alright." She told him.

"Okay, Alice, but bring enough back for Jasper and me, I promised him real food. He won't be getting any of that in here." Edward said and Alice giggled.

Alice picked up her bag that was half empty now and slung it over her shoulder. Before she left my side she whispered "It doesn't have to be this way, look at Edward." I knew that it didn't, it didn't stop the way I felt.

Edward took the chair Alice was in and glanced at the papers I had drawn. He swallowed hard a few times and took my hand, I didn't even try to pull back from him.

Without even realizing it Alice had made me relax enough to tell her my story, in a way, it was more than Dr. Swan had managed to accomplish.

**AN:** _I'm wondering who actually knows the significance of the colors._


	15. Chapter 15

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Fifteen**

**AN: **_Okay, I'm not sure when someone thought it would be okay to post a story about pedophilia as a good thing, but that is disgusting and disturbing. Anyone reading that shit should be shot in the head, I mean that literally. I know my story talks about that, but not as in that's a good thing. Me, and the others on here that have dealt with this in real life would probably torture you to death if we ever met face to face. It's not something to be taken lightly, it's painful, hard to go through and hard to live with._

_So some of you guessed the colors pretty close, good for you. A chapter from Edward's point of view, a little less depressing. Man, I wish I could kick this illness._

_Characters belong to SM_

**EPOV**

Outside Jasper's room I heard the tinkling voice of my sister. What the fuck was Alice doing here? She shouldn't be here. There were privacy laws for a reason. Didn't she know that could cost me my job? I had to get rid of her. If Jasper didn't want her here that could cause a lot of trouble.

Then I heard Alice's voice float softly to me when she said "Your're the one, you're the one he killed for." He didn't say anything to her at that. What did Jasper tell her? Other than me he hadn't told anyone a single thing about what he'd been through. How did she get that out of him?

"Yes, Alice, he's the one I killed for." I told her and she spun round snapping her head up at me. "What are you doing here, Alice? What happened to Emmett?"

"I came by to see Jasper, he's Emmett's partner after all. As to why I'm still here, Jasper told Emmett to go back to work." Alice told me. Why would he tell Emmett to leave? Fuck, was he just trying to get rid of him, so he could try and end it all again? This morning showed me just how much he still wanted to end his pain. I knew he had no intention of showing himself that vulnerable. It made me think he couldn't be out of anyone's sight for a long time.

Tightening my jaw in both anger and hurt I said "I'm done with my shift now, so... you can go home now."

"What if I don't want to?" Alice pouted.

"Go, Alice. You shouldn't be here to begin with." I commanded.

"Fine, I'll go, but I'm going to go get you some dinner first before I go home, if that's alright." She told me.

"Okay, Alice, but bring enough back for Jasper and me, I promised him real food. He won't be getting any of that in here." I said and Alice giggled.

Alice picked up her bag and slung it over her shoulder. She leaned over Jasper and whispered something I couldn't hear to him before leaving the room.

Taking the chair Alice left I glanced at the drawings on Jasper's tray. They made me want to cry, to see the hurt as plain as day on them. Swallowing hard to keep the tears at bay I took Jasper's hand. That had to be how he told my sister, I knew he still had trouble speaking the words. One day the words would have to come out of him though to someone. It would be hard, it would be tough, but it needed to be done. I might not have told Emmett, but I didn't keep it quiet from everyone. Jasper hadn't even really told me, he didn't need to, I'd seen it firsthand, experienced it.

Jasper looked more relaxed than I'd see him since he got here. Noticing the cards for the first time on the tray too I asked "Did you enjoy playing cards with my sister?"

Frowning at me Jasper said "I don't know if enjoyed is the right word. She kept me occupied." Nodding at him I smiled in my head, she was good at that, she'd done the same to me. Sometimes I think she thought if she could distract you long enough from your depression then you'd forget. It worked for a while, but it always came rushing back.

Picking up the cards I shuffled them and dealt them out. Brow furrowed Jasper said "Do we have to play that again? That game took forever."

"Jasper, are you telling me you have somewhere else to be?" I asked him and he looked up at me and burst into laughter. What was so funny? His laughter was beautiful, catching, he should do it more often.

"Alice said the same exact thing to me today." He explained still chuckling. I laughed too. If you lived with someone long enough you tended to pick up their traits.

Deciding which cards could be laid down I said "Jasper, I don't know anything about you, other than... you know. What kinds of things do you like to do?" I asked him this, hoping he could trade his addiction for the razors to another healthier one.

Biting his lip in a nervous gesture that made me want to kiss them Jasper said "Promise not to laugh?" I nodded my head. I couldn't speak. Why would I even think about kissing Jasper _now_? Even if I did do that someday he'd probably freak out, I still hadn't forgotten his dream he'd had.

"I like to write." He stated.

Looking at him curiously I tried to bring myself to the here and now and asked "You like to write what?" Then why hadn't he written anything, why had he drawn on the pages?

He closed his eyes and sighed saying "I like to write fiction. Anything to forget..." Ahh, so he didn't want to face the cold, hard truth of reality. I got it, I really did.

Attempting to change the subject from the pain I asked "Do you write often?"

Jasper furrowed his brow and bit his lip again. Damn, that sight still made me want to kiss his lips. I had to look away. "Actually, I haven't written anything in a long time." He admitted.

Turning my eyes back to his blue ones, the color of a steely blue stormy sky I said "Then you should start back up again." If he could write even about fiction maybe it would release some of the pain he had, would get it out on paper instead of in blood.

Sighing he stated in a small voice "I know."

**AN:** _I'm not sure I'm completely happy with this chapter, but less oxygen to my brain makes it come out this way._


	16. Chapter 16

**Scars and Nightmares Chapter Sixteen**

**AN:** _Thank goodness that story has been taken down, finally. Ass._

_More flaming abounds, sorry, Jen._

_Another chapter from me, and all I want to do is see the sunshine, not sit here in front of the computer. Damn, I hate having pneumonia, I have no idea how long it's going to take to get rid of it._

_Characters belong to SM, story is still unfortunately mine._

**JPOV**

Our conversation got quiet after I admitted that I needed to get back to writing. I didn't want to think about the reason I'd stopped, it would only fuck me up in the head once again.

After a while Edward asked me "Do you like being a cop?" God, I hoped this didn't turn into an interrogation. How was I supposed to answer that question?

"Do I like being a cop?" I asked out loud to gather my thoughts. "Do I like the fact that the world needs people like me in it? Do I like the fact that the world is a cruel place that people like me have to exist in it to keep it in order? No, I hate that fact altogether. I wish there was no need for that job, at all." It was the truth. People like me shouldn't have to be around to protect people, people should do the right thing in the first damn place. They didn't.

Edward looked thoughtful as he asked "Then why do you do it?"

Closing my eyes I sighed, I didn't want to answer that. _Jasper, get a hold of yourself. Out of everyone you've ever met in your life this is the one person that will understand._ Opening my eyes back up to his bright green ones waiting patiently for the answer I said "A cop found me. In the park. I was... naked. It was night. I didn't know... know... how to get home. He got me back to my parents." My words came out stilted and awkward.

Edward squeezed my hand and had a look of understanding on his face. Gasping at him I said "That's why you became a doctor, isn't it?"

He looked away for a minute before bringing his eyes back to mine. "It's one of the reasons. My father is a surgeon. When I was younger I knew I wanted to be a doctor, just not which kind. I mean I could do family medicine, or something along those lines. When they brought me to the hospital I remember the doctor there being nice to me, helping me. My father doesn't see people like me unless they need surgery and that's all he does. He has very little contact with his patients otherwise. I didn't want that." He told me, explaining to me, at least in part, as to why he was even here in this room in the first place. Edward staying here all night though I was sure was out of fear that I really would hurt myself while I was in here. _Hmm... I wonder how long it will be until they send me to the psych ward._ _Surely I can't stay here forever._ Actually I wanted to go home, get out of my misery, but I knew someone or something was going to stop me from getting my wish.

Alice interrupted us as she sing-songed "I come bearing gifts. Well, food, actually, but in a hospital it might as well be a gift." Her laughter trilled and Edward's own lips quirked up at it.

"Now this just won't do." She told us and I looked at her wondering what the fuck she was talking about. Alice removed the cards and the drawings and everything from the hospital tray. She turned around and started pulling things out of a basket I hadn't seen when she walked in. Throwing a small blue paper tablecloth over it she flattened it out.

Looking at Edward in wonderment I mouthed "What's all this?"

He looked like he was having a hard time keeping his laughter under control, any time now it was going to burst forth. He shrugged and stated "Alice." I was right, she really was irritatingly chirpy.

Placing paper plates on the tray she pulled out some silverware that looked real except she looked at me sternly and said "These are plastic, no sharp objects in here." Holy fuck, I wanted to roll my eyes at her, like I'd do anything like that with someone else in the room. That was personal, private, my own addiction I kept to myself, never sharing.

The next few items were food, magically appearing one by one. She brought grilled salmon, spinach salad, and chocolate cake. They looked like things a woman would eat, except in much larger portions. Looking at her kind of funny I had to ask "You brought me fish?" Who brings someone fish without even knowing if the other person likes it or not? I mean I did, but still...

Alice's eyes were bright as she tapped the side of her temple and said "It makes your brain happy. Actually all the food I brought makes your brain happy." Edward couldn't hold in his laughter anymore, it was infectious.

"Alice... why all this? I mean you could have just brought something in a box." I said waving to the spread before me.

She sighed and said "Because I wanted you to feel more normal, like eating at home. It took me a while to make all this stuff."

I took in a sharp breath and said "You cooked for me." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I?" Alice asked confused. Because no one else would bother.

No one and I mean no one had ever done anything this nice for me, not unless you counted my parents, and I was a stranger to her. The tears threatened to flow, but I blinked them back and said "Thank you."

She grinned brightly at me again and said "Okay, I'm going to take off, like I promised, you two behave yourselves."

When she left us I turned to Edward and said "Your sister sure is something."

He smiled a little sadly and said "I know, she's been my savior from my own insanity."

Nodding my head I had no doubt that she was. Who could be miserable with someone like that always pulling you out of it?

Taking my first bite of food I nearly moaned out loud. It was delicious. It was the first food I thought I was probably going to manage to keep down after throwing up after the nightmare I'd had earlier this week. Closing my eyes I chewed it feeling ecstasy and let out a soft sigh. "I take it you like my sister's cooking then?" Snapping my eyes open Edward was looking at me amused.

"Yes." I answered, wondering again how the hell I could be hungry if I wanted life to end.

We polished off our food and Edward cleared up the mess. He asked me "Why did you send Emmett back to work?" My stomach dropped. Fuck. I didn't want to think about it. My face must have shown panic because Edward said "It's okay, you don't have to talk about it now." Breathing in deep I took a few calming breaths to slow my heart rate.

Edward switched to more neutral topics, things that weren't important, didn't matter, just something to fill the time and space. After a while my eyes drifted close, the anti-depressants they'd given me were making me sleepy. I couldn't wait to get out of this hospital and never take the damn things again. They would eventually make me numb, unfeeling, uncaring. I hated it.

Even in my sleep I couldn't get away, couldn't escape from my reality. Writing fiction had been it, that was the only thing that kept me somewhat sane, to be able to live in a world that wasn't real. I had stopped though, I didn't want to think about when I'd stopped or why, but my mind wouldn't let it go.

_After my last failed relationship I never wanted to get that involved with someone, to get that close, to let them tear me down like that. As I didn't go to clubs or bars to stay away from my hell I rarely met anyone anyway. The times I did and I needed release it was always just to get off and leave, nothing more, nothing else. It was better if they didn't speak._

_One day I took someone home, he was cute, had a nice easy smile, relaxed. I wanted that. Everything was fine in the beginning and even in the middle. He was fucking me and my body wanted it. Then he made the mistake of calling me baby. Having just met me he couldn't remember my name and most people would never have batted an eye at the term, but not me, never me. That man had screwed up, twisted, and warped my mind thoroughly._

_When I heard it I started to panic, the bile rose in my throat and I shouted at him to stop. He pulled out of me and looked at me in shock. I knew what he was thinking, what the hell had he gotten himself into. "Go. Just... go." I said and collapsed on my bed, knowing I was going to have more nightmares that night. Not wanting to involve himself in whatever fucked up mess my life was he got dressed and left quietly, leaving me to my thoughts and my razors. That was the very last time I had been with anyone._

Waking up sweating and needing a fix again I realized I'd stopped writing, not just because of my escape from reality, it helped me feel _something_, things I didn't want to feel, it was better to feel nothing. Looking around the room in a panic I realized where I was and that no relief was in sight anytime soon. Shit. I needed to see the blood, to feel the warmth, to feel the pain leave.

Edward was standing up looking at my face rubbing soothing circles on my hand with his thumb. I got the impression he would have hugged me if he thought I would allow it. I wasn't sure if I would or wouldn't either.

**AN: **_You'll notice Jasper goes back and forth on wanting to feel and not wanting to feel. It's a common thing to go through. You want to feel, just not the pain of what you went through._


	17. Chapter 17

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Seventeen**

**AN:** _This chapters is a little short, but frankly hard to take. There isn't much relief in this one, sorry guys. _

_Characters belong to SM, my story_

**JPOV**

Never in my life did I want someone to hug me as much as I did now, but fear kept me from doing it or asking for it. I needed the comfort, but... what if it just brought out more nightmares? Something black and soulless was grasping my ankle tightly pulling me down, the more I resisted the more it scrabbled for me.

"Jasper, are you okay?" Edward's voice was soft in the dim light.

Gulping I tried to push away the dream. Nightmares screaming out their desperate pleas. If I could not remember, not feel, then I wouldn't need the pain to end, wouldn't need to look for another outlet to cut myself. Although I couldn't think of anything else that would make me happier right at that moment. Edward's presence was the only thing that stopped me from doing it. He was the epitome of everything I wanted to be, the epitome of everything I hoped to be.

Five minutes passed before I even remembered he'd asked me a question. Looking up at him I let out a shaky breath and answered "Yeah..." Closing my eyes to shut off the world, the sounds, Edward's even breathing, the buzzing of the overhead lights in the hallway, I let the memory overtake me, let me relive that hell. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help it, it was there and now I apparently had to deal with it before it went away. I couldn't. How could I deal with that one memory when I couldn't deal with the bigger one, the one that caused that to turn out so badly in the first place?

Laughter, unpleasant, haunting laughter came down the hall. It sounded so much like that man's maniacal laughter that I shot up and out of bed, panting, looking around in terror.

I was only remotely aware of Edward moving beside me. I was transported, back to being six again, back to that nightmare. The man... James... was laughing and... touching me... The whole thing played out in my head like a movie that I wanted to walk away from, but couldn't.

_This time I wasn't in front of the camera. Apparently one recording of the first time and the terror he inflicted was good enough for him, but that didn't mean it stopped. He had already used me, what more did he want from me? "Let me go home, please..." I begged him crying. _

"_No." Then he caressed my cheek and pushed back my hair as though in a loving manner, something my mother did to me. That only made me cry harder. "Baby, you are mine." He whispered to me and touched me where he'd carved his initial into my flesh. "You'll always belong to me, baby." _

_Glaring at him full of hatred I told him "I'm not your baby."_

_His laugh was maniacal and frightening. "Yes, you are. No matter where you go, I will be there, you'll take me with you the rest of your life, baby."_

_Then he pushed me down on the bed and repeatedly thrust into me whispering over and over "I love you, baby."_

The touch on my shoulder brought me back to the present and I elbowed Edward in the gut so hard I knocked the breathe out of him. Turning around I nearly punched him until I realized who he was and where I was and that I was a grown man, not a six year old that couldn't fight back.

Instead of asking him if he was alright, I sank to the cold tile floor and laid my head on it, anything to get the pressure to stop, to bring me back to real time. The cries of the wounded and frightened haunted me, they kept repeating what I'd seen on those tapes. My tears ran hot down my face. Why couldn't they just let me end my pain? It could all be over if they'd just let me go. I wouldn't fail next time, I wouldn't.

As that thought ran through my head the nameless, faceless, soulless creature was no longer scrabbling for me, it was holding on tight. I was in its clutches and couldn't break free.

"Jasper?" Edward called out, he must have been screaming. When I looked up at him his face was red and his voice hoarse like he'd been screaming my name over and over again. He hadn't made an attempt to shake me or touch me to acknowledge him. That was probably better, I had no idea what I'd do if he did.

Closing my eyes again I laid it back on the cold tile that was a relief to the heat on my face. That wasn't the first time I'd had a flashback, but it had to be one of the most memorable and soul-shattering for me. No wonder people couldn't call me baby. I knew he had, but I didn't remember this part. That entire scene I'd completely blocked out from my mind, now it did nothing but echo.

Edward sat down on the floor beside me and waited patiently so I could pull myself together, this time I wasn't sure I ever would. "Jasper? It's okay now. Whatever happened is in the past, that man can't hurt you anymore if you don't let him." Slowly I opened my eyes to look at him, but without lifting my head. "He has power over you because you've given it to him, Jasper. Take your power back, fight for it." The soulless thing clutching at me didn't like his words at all, its grip was loosening.

Sitting up finally I looked at Edward and said "I don't know how."

Reaching out one hand towards me Edward very carefully picked up my hands and turned it over showing me the inside of my arms. The wounds were starting to heal, but they were still there, still red. "Jasper, it won't be easy. It will probably be the most difficult thing you've ever done in your life, to continue pushing forward, living after what was done to you is not easy and never will be." Then tracing his finger over the cuts he said "Don't give him the power or the satisfaction of taking your life. You have the power there, it's all in your hands. Now you must decide what you are going to do with it. Talk about it, get better, fight. Or be weak and end it all and throw life away for a subhuman."

His speech was passionate, but at subhuman I almost laughed, almost. The atmosphere wasn't really inviting to laughter, especially since that's what triggered that memory in the first damn place.

Pulling away from him I put my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. There was a silent war waging in my head. The black soulless thing.... wanted me to join it. The gold creature was fighting it and me to keep me in the light. Whatever happened I just wanted the pain to end.

**AN: **_I seriously considered expounding on his flashback, but decided against it. That would just be too much._


	18. Chapter 18

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Eighteen**

**AN:**_ This is dedicated to someone that just can't get enough Edward, you know who you are, haha. Anyway, this is the same scene as last chapter, with a few added things, but from Edward's point of view. It's still sad, but as it's from Edward's more healed mind, maybe not as much._

_Characters belong to SM, my sad story._

**EPOV**

Sitting on the cold tile floor with Jasper I wondered just what brought this on. The dream he'd had was terrifying for him I could tell. He'd been telling someone to leave, I was guessing after they'd called him baby. Shit, such a small, innocent word and it took on a whole different meaning to him. Whatever this was though was worse, so much worse. He'd had a flashback I knew, I'd had plenty of my own that I wasn't at all surprised by it.

I was holding his hand after he woke and the next thing I knew he was across the bed, panting, looking around in terror. What happened? I wondered if he'd ever tell me what brought this on.

He wasn't there in the room with me anymore, he'd been transported back in time, shadows descending.

Touching his shoulder I tried to bring him back to the present and out of the abyss. He knocked the wind out of me as he elbowed me hard. I should have known better, he didn't even know where he was right now. As far as I knew he was still there living through that nightmare. Turning around on me I knew he wanted to hit me until he recognized me and where he was.

Jasper sank to the floor and laid his head down on it. He looked wounded and fearful, I wasn't sure if it was for himself or the other boys, the ones I was forced to watch. He couldn't be left alone now, not for a single second, if he was it'd all be over. I knew he would succeed next time.

He looked absolutely horrible, he was crying and screaming, and trying to protect the boys he couldn't in his mind. Then I watched as he nearly stopped breathing, the pain was too great.

"Jasper?" I screamed his name over and over again to get him to come back to me, afraid to touch him.

"Doc?" Angela came running into the room, wondering why I was screaming. When she saw Jasper on the floor she tried to move closer, but I shooed her out of the room. Jasper wouldn't be better if there were more people here right now.

Finally, finally, he looked up at me, came back to the here and now.

Closing his eyes again he laid his head back down. My heart was squeezed tight for this man, for his pain so precious. I couldn't understand why I'd feel that way, but he shouldn't live this way. I'd fought and fought hard to get to where I was now, I only hoped he had the strength to do the same. I still wasn't too sure that he did. Could I ask him what brought it on or would it only make it worse?

Sitting down on the floor beside Jasper I waited until Jasper could pull himself together. "Jasper? It's okay now. Whatever happened is in the past, that man can't hurt you anymore if you don't let him." Slowly he opened his eyes to look at me, but without lifting his head. "He has power over you because you've given it to him, Jasper. Take your power back, fight for it." He looked as though the terror he had was subsiding.

Sitting up finally he looked at me and said "I don't know how."

Reaching out one hand toward him I very carefully picked up his hands and turned it over showing him the inside of his arms. The wounds were starting to heal, but they were still there, still red. "Jasper, it won't be easy. It will probably be the most difficult thing you've ever done in your life, to continue pushing forward, living after what was done to you is not easy and never will be." Then tracing my finger over the cuts I said "Don't give him the power or the satisfaction of taking your life. You have the power there, it's all in your hands. Now you must decide what you are going to do with it. Talk about it, get better, fight. Or be weak and end it all and throw life away for a subhuman." These were words that had been spoken to me and helped me more than anyone else. They were told to me by someone that had gone through the same thing, not a counselor that didn't have a clue what it was like.

Jasper pulled away from me putting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He needed strength, courage, to fight that man and the presence he left behind. It was time for him to grow thicker skin or he'd never make it out of this world in one piece.

Waiting a few minutes on the floor like that I finally took his hands away from his face and pulled him up off the floor with me.

Jasper crawled back into the hospital bed I was sure he hated by now. I resumed my seat and picked up his hand once again, every injured soul needs a silent hand to hold.

Looking down at my hand he looked like he was somewhere else, but fortunately this time, not in a bad place. I wondered what he was thinking about. As if he read my mind his eyes lifted to mine, the sad blue made my breath catch. "The last person to ever hold my hand other than you and Alice was my mother before she died." He seemed to choke on sobs as he spoke. His parents were probably the reason he had lived for as long as he did and now that they were both gone, there was nothing worth living for. This pain I really couldn't understand as I still had both my parents, but I tried to lend him whatever strength I could. I didn't speak, I had no idea what to say, I just held onto his hand tighter, still afraid of doing anything else.

The tears flowed silently down his face and he wiped them away frantically with his free hand. "This is stupid, I shouldn't be crying."

"It's not stupid, you've dealt with a lot of shit. It's not stupid." I told him, meaning it, still resisting the urge to hug him.

Jasper closed his eyes and slowly blew out his breath. I watched as his pink lips came together as he did it and really had to keep myself in the reality of this situation, it wouldn't be appropriate to kiss a patient at all, nor would it be appropriate at this point in his life. I was afraid that just might send him right over the edge.

Opening his eyes again Jasper took a deep breath and whispered "It was the laughter." What?

"Whose laughter?" I asked him curiously.

"That man's, someone else in the hall reminded me of it." He stated. Fuck, I remembered that laugh too, my stomach flipped thinking about it. "I just remembered why I don't like it when people call me... b... ba... baby." He stuttered out the end, afraid to say the word himself. The word only had power because he gave it power, but it was doubtful that it would ever lose its hold on his mind, no matter how long he lived. I was shocked he volunteered that information to be honest.

"It's okay, Jasper, you don't have to tell me anything else." I soothed, he looked like he was about to panic.

"No, I want to. I don't know anyone else I can even tell this stuff to." He pleaded with me to listen, I nodded my head. Jasper proceeded to tell me the nightmare and then the subsequent flashback he'd had. It was sad, but not a shock, I understood.


	19. Chapter 19

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Nineteen**

**AN: **_Today I feel sad as so many of you have had to endure something similar to this, like me, it shouldn't be this way. _

_Characters belong to SM, story is mine._

**JPOV**

Edward helped me off the floor and back into the hospital bed, the plastic underneath made me hot and sweaty and did not help my mood at all. He resumed holding my hand and I couldn't help but think of my mother's hand in mine. Only she was in the hospital bed, hair all gone, no fight left in her anymore. Smiling weakly at me she told me "I love you, Jasper. Always remember that. When I'm gone I want you to keep living, find love, be happy, don't let the things in your life tear you down." Choking back sobs then, I choked them back now. My mother passed away not even a day later. I felt like I was letting her down right now, but I just couldn't help it, my mind was so thoroughly infected I didn't know how to remove it.

Lifting my eyes to Edward's bright green ones I heard his breath catch, I wondered what that was about. "The last person to ever hold my hand other than you and Alice was my mother before she died." I still choked back my sobs, as much as I could, but I was sure I wasn't successful. Edward was silent, but squeezed my hand tighter in acknowledgment that he heard me.

This connection I felt with him was the first of its kind and I had no idea what to do with it. My mind was still conflicted and battling every second on what I should do. In shame the tears I'd been holding back flowed silently down my face. Fuck, why couldn't I be stronger? Edward wasn't a basket case, so why would I be? It seemed to me that what he'd been through was worse, so how could he be okay and yet I wasn't? "This is stupid, I shouldn't be crying."

"It's not stupid, you've dealt with a lot of shit. It's not stupid." He told me firmly.

Closing my eyes I blew out my breath. What would I tell him? Should I tell him? It had to be better than talking to the counselor that I absolutely hated with a passion or anyone else that would look at me with pity in their eyes and offer me ridiculous platitudes that frankly only served to make me feel worse.

Coming to a decision I opened my eyes and whispered "It was the laughter."

Surprise showed on his face as he asked curiously "Whose laughter?"

"That man's, someone else in the hall reminded me of it." I stated. I saw the flicker of recognition in his eyes, he remembered it too. "I just remembered why I don't like it when people call me... b... ba... baby." I stuttered, afraid the word would set me back again. The word terrified me in a way that was completely irrational, but made my skin crawl when I heard it.

"It's okay, Jasper, you don't have to tell me anything else." He soothed. What? NO! If there was any hope of me getting better, living up to what my mother wanted then I knew he was the only one that could help me out of this.

"No, I want to. I don't know anyone else I can even tell this stuff to." I pleaded with him to listen, he nodded his head. Recalling the nightmare was hard and so was the flashback, but Edward listened to what I said. He didn't offer advice, just let me get it out, while actually listening to me, instead of closing himself off.

The longer I spoke, the more about my time I remembered, things I didn't want to remember. Near the end of my stay with that man I'd stopped arguing, resisting, or crying. I let him touch me, it was easier and less painful. I never thought I'd see my home or my parents again, that this would be my life permanently and I didn't want to feel the pain anymore. Shame and guilt hit me then, why wouldn't I fight back? Why would I let him do that to me? It hurt me to think I might have even allowed it. I felt dead inside, drowning in the moment.

The whole thing made me feel sick and disgusting, like I'd never be clean again. Not even the rain could make me clean. My breathing was heavy and panicked. I _let_ him touch me? Horrified by the thought I started shaking and sweating and this time... this time... I needed the pain, I needed to feel pain, I _deserved_ it. I wanted to split my skin, to bleed again. Why would I let him touch me? Why? Just so I didn't have to feel the pain anymore. I was sick and needed to be punished. The black soulless thing was laughing maniacally now and holding on so tightly I had no air, wanting me to join in its madness.

No longer seeing the room I was in I sat up and looked around frantically, my peripheral vision was starting to turn black. I felt arms around me, I tried to shake them off. They were pulling me back to reality, I didn't want reality, it hurt too much there.

A frightened voice broke through my thoughts "Jasper? Jasper? Please come back to me." Gulping deep breaths, I finally made it back, back to the room, back to Edward. Edward, that had his arms around me, holding me, begging me to come back, begging me to stay, not to let him win.

That only made me cry harder, I don't think I'd ever cried this hard in my entire life, too many memories bombarding me all at once. Edward never allowed that man to touch him, he fought him every step of the way. Why couldn't I do that?

I had no idea how much time had passed, but I eventually calmed down enough that I could see properly and speak.

"Jasper, what happened? Where did you go?" Edward asked me, his own voice quivering in terror.

Swallowing I looked away, could I really admit to him what was bothering me? He looked like he was desperate to help me. I didn't want to be lonely in my own skin anymore and this was the only person that I'd met that could understand.

Looking back at him I realized he was standing beside the bed, but his arms were still around me as though they were desperately trying to keep me grounded to the now. Well... at least I didn't freak out over that, like I was afraid I would.

"I... I remembered." I stated unsure how much more I could get out. "Edward, I..." Choking on sobs again. God damn, I was sick of crying.

"It's okay, whatever it is." His voice was soft and mellow as it floated in the room.

"I... at the end... I _let_ him touch me. It hurt less. Why would I let that monster touch me?" My voice stammered in the beginning ending in a shout. I was angry, ashamed and guilty.

"Jasper, listen to me. You were only six and scared and innocent. It was probably because you didn't fight him that he let you go." He told me and then gave a bitter laugh. "Maybe if I had been the same I would have gotten out faster or more easily, but I couldn't. I was too old when he took me and after watching all those boys too angry."

"Don't be ashamed of that, never be ashamed of it. That's what got you out." Edward's voice was firm, with no room for argument. It helped calm my mind down to think of things that way, but it didn't make me feel any better about it. The shame and guilt remained.


	20. Chapter 20

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty**

**AN:**_ I hope this chapter answers some questions a few of you have been asking me about. There really isn't much dialogue here and it's short, but it needed to end here for what I have planned next, it won't flow right._

_Characters belong to SM, sad story still mine. _

**JPOV**

The man spoke in my ear, whispering, pleading, commanding me to hate myself, my life, anyone that loved me but him. He was the only one allowed to love me, and made sure that no one else ever could, thoroughly mind-fucking me. I'd given myself over to him willingly, so in his mind he won, he owned me now. He wasn't wrong there, I did hate myself, I never let others love me. The only thing he got wrong is that I never, would never, could never love him. The thought made me violently ill.

I don't know when I finally fell asleep, between all the guilt and all the other shit that felt like it had been attacking me I don't know how I slept at all, but I did. Waking up I thought I was alone in the room, for the first time I didn't want to be. My hands were up pulling the covers tightly to me, it was fucking freezing in here. Then I made out the silhouette in the chair, Edward. Only the chair seemed to be much closer to the bed than previously. Shit, I hadn't scared him off? How was that possible? If it was me and I was fairly mentally stable I'd probably run from someone like me, that's what others had done to me in my past, they never could deal with it, even the ones that thought they could.

The first time I had sex with someone it was a friend of mine. I'd tried with others and... well... the end result was the same, I always froze up. Seduction leading straight from logic to nightmare. Unable to trust anyone, trust them enough not to hurt me... was difficult for me and for them. Trying again and again I just decided it wasn't worth it anymore and just be alone and lonely for the rest of my life. My friend is the one that suggested it, I certainly didn't bring it up. I thought he was crazy, we weren't exactly interested in each other. He was tired of me being unhappy and alone because of it. He knew somewhat what happened to me, but not really the details of it, I kept that to myself.

_Laughing hard when my friend suggested we have sex I nearly fell off the couch we were on. "Are you insane?" I asked, wiping tears of laughter off my face. That was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard, he knew I couldn't and hadn't been able to have sex with anyone. I always panicked before we got too far into it._

_Frowning at me he said "No, I'm not insane and I'm completely serious. Jasper, you are a grown man and at this rate you will never have sex with anyone, you won't even try anymore."_

"_Yeah, but... I don't think I can handle freaking out one more time or scaring the other person away. No, just no. Not anymore." By this time I was pleading with him to understand, to leave me alone. Fuck, if we tried anything and I freaked then I was sure I'd lose him as a friend too, it happened too often like that._

"_You won't scare me away. You can say no, I'll stop whenever you want me too, I won't push it. I just... want you to be happy, with someone, anyone and it doesn't seem like you are going to be if you don't get over your fears." His tone was serious as he spoke and I sucked in a heavy breath, I still kind of thought he was joking, no such luck. "It doesn't have to be today, but I want you to know I'll be here if you change your mind."_

_Nodding my head I didn't think I'd ever do anything with him. That is, until I met someone else I found extremely attractive and really liked and wanted to make it work despite my previous failed attempts. I managed to fuck it up again. Coming back to my friend later I asked him if the offer still stood. Smiling at me he said "Of course, come on in."_

He was gentle, caring, watching to make sure I wasn't losing it, closing myself off. Why couldn't we like each other as more? It sure as hell would make life easier. We never did, but his care and his time he spent with me made me realize I could be with someone, that I could have sex without that man's face constantly in my mind like before.

Shaking myself out of that reverie I wondered what brought it on. Turning my head I saw Edward still silent, eyes closed, in the chair. I didn't know if he was actually asleep or not. He was the one that brought that memory to the surface I knew, my attraction to him. Damn it, if I wasn't mistaken he was attracted to me as well. What would happen to him if I finally couldn't hold it together, if I gave up? Would that make him give up? He'd had four failed attempts at ending his life, would he do it again? I could already see we were becoming close enough that anything we did would affect the other. Shit, how did that happen? We hadn't known each other but a couple of days.

Finally getting angry, angry at myself, angry at that man, I hit my fist on the bed hard and sat straight up. No, that man couldn't have me, he wouldn't destroy my life. My guilt and shame I'd just have to deal with, my pain, he wasn't going to win. _I won't let you win, do you hear me?_

Right now I really wanted to punch something, get my frustration and anger out. It took me a few minutes to realize I wasn't wanting to cut myself open first. That was new. I wondered how long that would last, it always came back to me.

Startled Edward sat up and blinked at me. At first he seemed to be confused as to where he was, until his eyes adjusted in the dim light. "Jasper? What are you doing awake?" He whispered to me in the quiet night.

When I looked at him I felt a burning desire to get better, to get well, for him. That wasn't feasible, I couldn't get better for him, I had to get better for me first. But, my eyes blazed, I wouldn't want his death on my hands, for it to be my fault that he died if I took mine. According to him one life had already been taken weirdly because of me, because he was most angered by the video of me and my innocence. Snorting at myself I didn't feel innocent, I still felt dirty, even then.

Holding out my hand to him it was the first time I'd initiated any physical connection with anyone in a long time. Although he'd held my hand, he took it, not the other way around. Edward's look of surprise quickly changed to a slight smile as he squeezed my hand back. We didn't say anything the rest of the night, we didn't need to, I think we understood each other already.


	21. Chapter 21

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty-one**

**AN: **_Thanks to all of you for WC'ing with me on this and SD. I wouldn't have gotten them out in the time I did without you._

_Characters belong to SM, sad story is mine and many of yours._

**JPOV**

Waking up again, with the morning and the bustle of the hospital around me, I wondered when I was going to get out of here. Edward stirred and scrubbed his face with his hands. "I'll be right back, Jasper." He said as he got up and went to the small bathroom. Shouldn't he have a locker here somewhere in the hospital? Had he even been there or did he spend all his extra time with me?

"Jasper?" Dr. Swan called walking into my room. I groaned, I didn't want to see her anymore. She took the seat and asked "Are you going to talk to me today?"

Keeping my mouth firmly clamped shut I stared at the ceiling. The only thing that brought me out of that was Edward walking back into the room. Seeing him made me feel calm somehow.

Dr. Swan looked back and forth between the two of us before she spoke again, this time to Edward. "Dr. Cullen, will Jasper be able to be moved now?" She questioned. Moved? Where was I going? Were they going to send me to the psych ward? God, I didn't want to go there. Right now the only place I wanted to be was home. _Jasper, who are you kidding? You don't want to go home and you know it. That place is depressing and you'll end up back in here again._

Edward walked over to me and looked over my wounds thoroughly. His answer to her was cryptic "Physically, yes." What did that mean? I wasn't mentally ready to go? I knew I wasn't ready to go home, but wasn't I ready to move on so they could examine my head? I snorted to myself at that, I wouldn't even let Dr. Swan examine it.

"Okay. Jasper, I will be moving you later today." Dr. Swan stated.

"Moving me where?" I asked her, well aware that those were probably the most words I'd said to her.

"Well, there aren't any beds in the psych ward here, and I don't think you'd be comfortable there either." She explained in what she probably thought was a soothing tone. Her eyes glanced over to Edward's as though she was asking his permission to take me away. Weird.

"So where the hell am I going then? Can I go home?" I demanded to know.

"Jasper, I have privileges at the psych hospital across the street. I want you to go there." Dr. Swan answered.

"You want me to?" I caught onto that quickly. "You aren't going to make me?"

"No, I can't make you without a court order, and if I do that it'll take longer for you to get out. If you volunteer yourself you won't have to stay as long." She explained, pleading with me to go on my own.

Sighing I ran that thought around in my head. I didn't want to be away from Edward, I didn't want to go home, but how was I supposed to get better? If I go home now, I know for certain that I would end it. Trying to break the hold the man had on me was the first step, but I would slip easily and let him drag me into hell with him. I know I would, and I would succeed in ending it this time.

Edward spoke beside me "You've come so far, Jasper. Please go, it will help you. It will get you a little further from where you are." I noticed he didn't say well, just further. Sighing, it would have to do. Baby... god, no, not baby. _Don't even say that word in your mind, Jasper. You know what it does to you_. Small steps would have to do for now. Clamping my eyes shut I tried to take deep breaths, to get that word out of my head. Fingers brushed my cheek and I jumped in shock, but I forgot what had gotten me going. Opening my eyes I was staring at Edward before me, looking on in concern.

His eyes, the green, I watched them, remembered their burn from when he was twelve. Yes, I'd go, I'd get better. I would become as strong as I could be. That man would go down in my mind, I would tackle him until he couldn't hold me any longer. "Yes, I'll go." I agreed and both Edward and Dr. Swan breathed sighs of relief.

Dr. Swan stood and said "I'll get the orders ready to move you later this afternoon." Then I watched her walk out the door.

Edward asked "Are you okay?" He was still standing beside the bed, his hand hadn't moved from my face and I hadn't flinched other than the initial startled reaction. I really was becoming more relaxed around him. Would he want anything to do with me once I was out? I felt the connection, but did he? I had no idea. Should he? What if I couldn't get better? Then what would happen to him? That thought depressed me. I had to get better, I had to. He didn't deserve anymore horror in his life just as I didn't.

Unable to resist and really wanting to know his reaction I let out a shaky "Yes," then I turned my head and kissed the palm of his hand. This was my last day here and I had to know if there was any hope of anything beyond our pasts. Edward's breathing hitched, he didn't remove his hand, but he didn't say anything either.

Starting to panic I sat up before Edward pushed me back on my shoulder. "Where are you going?" He asked me softly, afraid to frighten me.

Tears sprang to my eyes, who would want me? I was broken. All I brought to the table were nightmares and the hideous scars that man had given me whether it was by his own hand or by his fucking with my mind. "Jasper... I like you..." Edward's voice cracked on those words. "But... you are my patient and I'm your doctor. Nothing can happen while I'm still your doctor." The words slowly sunk in and the tears that flowed were happy. He liked me? My heart beat a little faster at the thought.

I felt like I was flying. That wasn't normal. I never felt like that with anyone else, so why would I start now? Letting out a laugh I asked "It's a good thing Dr. Swan is moving me today then, isn't it?" I could hug the bitch right now.

He smiled at me surprised at my reaction and answered "Yes, it's a good thing. You are going to get better in there, Jasper." Then he leaned down and whispered "If you don't I'll kick your ass and bring Emmett for reinforcements." I laughed as at that exact same time the huge giant stepped into the room. Alice came in with him looking almost as tiny as smurf next to him. At that though I couldn't stop the giddy laughter that flowed from my mouth. Holy crap, it'd been a long time since I'd laughed that hard or felt that free. Free. I could be free. I would have to work my ass off for it, but that man's hold could be broken and I'd be free.

I smiled seeing Emmett, who was before now my only friend, and at Alice who I had no doubt would be my friend as well if I let her. Grabbing Edward's hand I held it close to me and watched as Alice's eyes looked knowing, and unsurprised. Emmett's, however, were wide as saucers and he shouted loudly "Holy shit." Then I watched him swing Alice around, he was ecstatic. What the hell for?

"Emmett, what the fuck is wrong with you? Put Alice down." I demanded.

"I just... I never thought my two favorite gay men would actually like each other, especially not with...." He trailed off the ending, I already knew what he was going to say and I wasn't going to respond to it.

Edward tried to turn the mood lighter again as he shot back "Two favorite gay men? Aren't we the _only_ gay men you know?"

Emmett laughed his booming laugh and answered "Yeah, but you'd still be my favorite if I knew anyone else. I've tried to set him up with some people." He said pointing at me. "But, I knew they'd never work, I just thought he needed a good fuck to get him out of his funk."

My mouth gaped open "You didn't think any of the dozens of people you tried to set me up with would work?"

He shook his head no. "I really wanted it to work out with you and Eddie, but... I'm close to both of you, so if I didn't work out, then I'd be fucked. Good thing it's your faults you met and not mine." He ended that glaring at me. Yeah, yeah.

**AN: **_All my slash will remain here on this site as long as it can be, but I do have a blog with all my current slash and any future slash, just in case._.com/?zx=c18376eda29a3a3d


	22. Chapter 22

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty-two**

**AN: **_I want to take a moment to say I'm so proud of some of you for taking that extra step to heal because of this story. It isn't easy, it's not a fun read, but it must be said._

**EPOV**

Jasper had made so much progress during the night I was shocked. The fact that he was finally able to tell someone what had happened to him, and really tell them, not leave shit out, was the best gift he could have given himself. Even though I didn't want to hear it as it made me remember my own past I was proud of him for finally letting that obstacle go.

Jasper's fist hitting the bed woke me up and startled me, it took me a few minutes to understand what he'd done. He'd found his anger, something I don't think he'd gotten before now. This was what he needed, he'd never get better without the anger and fury, directed at the right person. So far he'd been feeling guilt and shame and thought he deserved all the pain both given to him and put upon by his own self. That was something I understood all too well.

_Alice was screaming at me "Edward!" Unable to really pay attention to what was going on I heard her fluttering around and on the phone. She'd called both the paramedics and the poison control center. This was the fourth time I'd nearly been successful at taking my life. I had tried other times than those, but they never had the intended effect. However, this day I don't remember thinking that I wanted to kill myself, what I wanted was to make myself clean again._

_Lying on the kitchen floor I had a bottle of bleach beside me. That night I had a horrible nightmare in which that man had killed me, it was my blood everywhere, not his. He stood over me laughing and said "I own you, you are dead now." Waking up scared and horrified I stumbled into the bathroom vomiting. The dream was horrid, I hadn't had a nightmare in a long time, but this day my mind couldn't let me rest. That scenario could easily have happened if the man hadn't been dumb enough to put his knife down and I hadn't been angry enough to use it on him._

_All I could remember is feeling sick from the pain, the feel of that man, the smell of him, the blood... so much blood. Somehow I'd ended up in the kitchen reaching under the counter to try to make myself clean. I felt dirty and gross and infected on the inside, both physically and mentally. What made me pick up the bleach I had no idea, but I did, it was disgusting. Downing it in large gulps I hoped to cleanse my mind, my body, to end it all. I wanted to be clean, not dead, but in the end, I was nearly dead. If Alice hadn't found me I would have been. _

_At the time I was more than a little crazy. Most of the time I kept up a masquerade to others, they thought I was normal, didn't have a care in the world, nothing phased me. If they only knew the kind of shit that played in my head they wouldn't think that. Keeping up a plastic facade was in my best interest in living life, in getting through med school, of meeting other people. This wasn't me, not the real me. The only one that knew the real me was Alice, and even she didn't really know me. Some may know what happened, but they didn't have a clue how much being raped, tortured and then finally killing someone had truly affected me._

_After that attempt, that to me wasn't an attempt since I didn't plan on killing myself, Alice never left me out of her sight. Unbeknown to me she rented an apartment and decorated it while I was in the hospital recovering, and back in counseling. She got all new furniture and made it a home for the two of us. When I got out of the hospital she'd left all my things at my own apartment so I'd have a familiar place to come home to, but after a few days she announced to me "We're moving into an apartment together, I've already fixed it up. All you need are your clothes and personal items, the rest of this shit can go." She sneered at my stuff, like it was what was making me crazy. _

"_Alice, and if I don't want to go? I don't want to live with my sister, that's just wrong." I told her adamantly._

"_You'll do it because I told you to. Right now you can't live on your own." She bossed me around and I balked at her. Then she turned on the tears, fucking great. "I love you, Edward. I don't want to see you do that again, you need to have someone around. If it's not me, it's got to be someone, you can't live alone." She was pleading for me to go with her, no matter what she said about someone else. Someone else wouldn't watch over me as well as she would. It was at that stage in my life Alice became my permanent babysitter, instead of a part-time one._

_Alice had helped me more than I ever thought she could, even if she annoyed me often. When I wasn't at work, she always checked up on me if I was out or she was out. To most people that would be annoying as hell and it did get that way from time to time, but I knew I needed it. I also knew that if it wasn't for her I would be dead now. _

_Although I was angry when that man had done those things to me, I didn't get angry, truly angry, until I was much older. Once I started feeling guilt and shame and powerlessness, which is an odd thing to feel after killing someone, but I did, I wanted to get of this life. One day I found my anger, again it was a dream I had. The blonde blue-eyed boy haunted my dreams, it was the scared look on his face, the tears that streamed down and his calling out for his mommy that pissed me off. This time I was angry, and angrier than I ever had been. If I had been willing to kill myself over how I felt about what happened to me, what about him? He was younger and impressionable and innocent, he didn't deserve that. He deserved to be home with the family he was crying out for, to be hugged and loved by them, not living out this nightmare. _

I was certain he'd killed himself by now, it was a surprise to see him in the hospital under my care. To find out he was Emmett's partner and he was gay like me was too good to be true. Of course it was, he did try to kill himself or I might never have met him, might never have found out what happened to the boy. I felt both ecstatic and depressed over those facts.

Coming back where I was, at the hospital, still with the living, breathing Jasper I whispered "Jasper? What are you doing awake?"

Jasper held his hand out for me to take, for the first time. I wondered if he really touched anyone else. If he could get past this he would be someone that liked touching and being touched, I was sure of it. Knowing what a huge step that was for him I smiled and squeezed his hand back. Jasper eventually relaxed and fell back to sleep and I watched him, for the first time in his dreaming he had a slight smile on his face.

Waking up I scrubbed my face with my hands and said "I'll be right back, Jasper." Getting up to go to the small bathroom I washed my face trying to wake it up. My hair....? Honestly it didn't look any different than it had three days ago and fixed, so I just didn't bother. I smiled when I pulled out the toothbrush Angela had given to me.

Hearing Bella's voice in the room I stiffened. She could help Jasper, but not if he didn't want it from her. Besides, I think we'd made more progress than she ever could with him alone. Jasper still wasn't going to speak to her, so I came back into the room. Jasper was staring at the ceiling until I was back at his side, he had seemed pissed off, but got calmer the closer I was to him. Should I be making him calm though? That might end up being a crutch of some kind to him if I stayed in his life. Pissed off and angry, that he could really use right now to get better. I knew from experience you couldn't skip that step, it must come.

Bella looked back and forth between the two of us before she spoke again, this time to me. "Dr. Cullen, will Jasper be able to be moved now?" She questioned.

I knew what she meant. She wanted to know if he was not just well enough physically, but was he well enough mentally. "Physically, yes." Was my answer. His wounds had begun to heal and would be fine as long as he didn't make anymore. If he went home now he'd cut himself or kill himself, I had no doubt about that. He was getting better, but as soon as isolation came... it would all be over for him.

"Okay. Jasper, I will be moving you later today." Bella stated.

"Moving me where?" Jasper asked her.

"Well, there aren't any beds in the psych ward here, and I don't think you'd be comfortable there either." She explained in what she probably thought was a soothing tone. Her eyes glanced over to mine to make sure I was okay with this. I wouldn't be able to see him in the psych hospital at all, no one would, other than family, a family he didn't have right now.

"So where the hell am I going then? Can I go home?" He demanded to know.

"Jasper, I have privileges at the psych hospital across the street. I want you to go there." Bella answered.

"You want me to?" Jasper asked, he was quick on the uptake there. "You aren't going to make me?"

"No, I can't make you without a court order, and if I do that it'll take longer for you to get out. If you volunteer yourself you won't have to stay as long." She explained, pleading with him. Bella drove me up the fucking walls, but I know she usually meant well. Although meaning well sometimes wasn't enough.

Hearing Jasper's sigh I looked at him and saw the struggle running around in his head. He wanted to go home, but he wanted to get better too. Making a decision I said "You've come so far, Jasper. Please go, it will help you. It will get you a little further from where you are." He would be better, but by no means entirely well. I didn't think he ever would be, I wasn't.

Jasper's eyes clamped shut as something went through his mind and he began to take deep breaths. My fingers brushed his cheek. I hadn't noticed they were moving until I felt his warm skin against them, warm, not cold and dead. Jasper jumped at my touch, but I only looked on in concern when he opened his eyes. I wasn't about to move my hand now, somehow I knew that's where it should be.

"Yes, I'll go." Jasper agreed and I let out a sigh of relief the same time Bella did.

Bella stood and said "I'll get the orders ready to move you later this afternoon."

When she left I asked "Are you okay?"

Letting out a shaky "Yes," he turned his head and kissed the palm of my hand. My breathing hitched. I didn't know what to say or do. He was my patient still at the moment, so this couldn't go any further. What I was struggling with more was that he actually liked me. I knew he was attracted to me, yes, but just because you found someone attractive it didn't mean you wanted more from that person.

Jasper looked panicked as I hadn't said a word to him and sat up, as though he was going to run away. "Where are you going?" I asked him softly.

Tears sprang to his eyes and my heart broke for him a little more. He thought I didn't want him. I'd have to remedy that and fast, I couldn't wait to see what a more healed Jasper would be like. "Jasper... I like you..." My voice cracked on the words. "But... you are my patient and I'm your doctor. Nothing can happen while I'm still your doctor." The tears that were in his eyes began to flow, but he looked happy now. I wasn't rejecting him, just that this wasn't the right time and he needed to get better, better for himself, for his life, for everyone that would be in his future.

Letting out a laugh he asked "It's a good thing Dr. Swan is moving me today then, isn't it?" He looked high when he said that.

Smiling at him I answered "Yes, it's a good thing. You are going to get better in there, Jasper." Then I leaned down and whispered "If you don't I'll kick your ass and bring Emmett for reinforcements." He laughed as at that exact same time the huge giant stepped into the room, Alice following behind. Jasper's laughter was giddy and silly and came as a complete shock to everyone in the room. What was he thinking?

He smiled at Emmett and my sister before he grabbed my hand himself and held it close. Alice didn't have any reaction much to it on the outside, inside I knew she could barely contain herself. Emmett's eyes were wide and he shouted so loud the whole floor probably heard "Holy shit." Then I watched him swing Alice around, he was ecstatic.

"Emmett, what the fuck is wrong with you? Put Alice down." Jasper demanded.

"I just... I never thought my two favorite gay men would actually like each other, especially not with...." He trailed off the ending. No Emmett, seriously, don't mention that right now. The mood got heavy again and I didn't like it, it'd been heavy enough. I wanted lighter, I needed it and so did Jasper.

In my attempt to lighten the mood I shot back "Two favorite gay men? Aren't we the _only_ gay men you know?"

Emmett laughed his booming laugh and answered "Yeah, but you'd still be my favorite if I knew anyone else. I've tried to set him up with some people." He said pointing at Jasper, which actually pissed me off. "But, I knew they'd never work, I just thought he needed a good fuck to get him out of his funk."

Jasper's mouth gaped open "You didn't think any of the dozens of people you tried to set me up with would work?" Jealousy reared its ugly head at that. Did he actually go out with all those people?

He shook his head no. "I really wanted it to work out with you and Eddie, but... I'm close to both of you, so if it didn't work out, then I'd be fucked. Good thing it's your faults you met and not mine." He ended that glaring at Jasper. He would never let Jasper forget the way he found him, if he'd known about me... he would never have left me alone and frankly I'd rather deal with Alice. She said less stupid shit.

**AN: ** _Some of you can't get to my blog from here. If you find me on twitter the URL is there if you want it. It's still the same name as my screen name for this site.  
_


	23. Chapter 23

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty-three**

_Characters belong to SM, story is mine._

**JPOV**

Emmett and I were still staring each other down. He would never let me live it down that he was the one that found me. He probably shouldn't, but I still didn't like being glared at. Alice smacked Emmett's chest ineffectually, I'd bet anything it felt like a fly to him. He was a big guy, she was little and he was wearing his uniform, including his vest. What the hell was he doing here? Why wasn't he at work?

"Woman, do that one more time and I will arrest you for assualting a police officer." He told her sternly finally letting his gaze go from mine and fall on her.

"You go ahead and do that then. I'm sure they will want to know how just exactly I managed to hurt you. Who will stay to keep Jasper company?" She questioned. What I was sure she was really saying was 'who will stay to babysit?'

Emmett looked over at me again and sighed before saying "I guess I'll let you off the hook _this_ time."

Alice cracked a smile and said "Great, you made the right choice. Now stop being an ass and I won't have a reason to hit you again."

Edward chuckled beside me. I'd forgotten he was there with the show those two were putting on, except for the warmth I still felt in my hand. Glancing in his direction on the other side of the bed he had an amused smile on his face. Watching Emmett and Alice who could be depressed? It just didn't seem to be in their natures to let anyone around them be depressed either. Maybe that was a good thing, maybe their energy would rub off on me. If only I could get that at home instead of quiet and loneliness. I liked my quiet, don't get me wrong, and my peace, but sometimes... it was just too overpowering and instead of being relaxing it was hell.

Clearing his throat to get our attention again I turned my head back towards Emmett who currently had a smirk on his face, I rolled my eyes at him. Alice looked like she was about to smack him again. To deter her I asked "Emmett, what the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?"

A sad look passed across his face, but it was so subtle I doubted anyone else in the room caught it. "I'm going, man, but I had to see that you were okay first. It was hard yesterday... without you." He had tears in his eyes when he told me that and I felt even more like shit for putting him through all of this, but... it wasn't his fault, nothing he could do would make it better, nothing. Alice stole a glance in his direction and noticed the shine of tears in his eyes. She put one arm around his waist in comfort, she couldn't reach any higher. The sight was strange seeing the big man leaning on the tiny woman for support.

The only response I could give him was "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." It seemed appropriate and sincere. Edward squeezed my hand offering me support just like Alice was giving to Emmett. To me Emmett had always been big, strong, and confident, but I guess he hadn't been prepared to see his friend and partner try to kill themselves. I wondered how he would have reacted if he'd known about Edward doing the same thing. Of course finding me was another matter altogether than just knowing. That's when it hit me. Alice did know what Emmett was going through. She'd found Edward time and time again. At least he had her to get through it, just like Edward had helped me and hopefully would continue to.

_Wow, Jasper, you are thinking of people besides yourself? And not just Edward. I'm shocked at you. Shut up, I'm not that selfish. Oh, you aren't? Then why did you try to kill yourself? Shut up, I tell you. No. Why did you do it? You know why I did it, it was too painful to live in my head anymore. And now? Now, I don't know. You don't know? No, I don't know. I don't have a clue how I'll feel once I'm back at home or if I'll be better or if they just stuck a bandaid on to make me think I'm better. Fine, but you'd better get better, people are counting on you. Oh thanks for adding to the stress level now. Hey, this is your head, you're the one adding to it. _The voices in my head just would not shut up and all I wanted was to be in the present, in the room, where the living people were.

Looking back at Edward I smiled and tilted my head towards the other side of the room. He grinned at Emmett and Alice standing together like that. Staring up into his green eyes I remembered the boy from the news yesterday. Gasping I sat up abruptly and demanded from Emmett "What happened to the boy?"

Surprised Emmett asked "What boy?"

"What boy? Dude, you'd better know what the fuck I'm talking about, he's the reason I told you to go back to work." I spat at him angrily. Wow, I didn't know where the anger came from, but it was there. Fear? Dread?

Remaining silent for the moment I took in his expression. Emmett was good at hiding what he was thinking or feeling, but if you caught him in that split second his mask was down you'd know the truth. The truth was Emmett looked sad, angry, and disappointed. However, he could have been thinking all those things about me.

"Right, work. Well... um..." Emmett was trying to not tell me the bad news, but I could already guess.

"If I turned on the TV right now would I know the answer?" I demanded. He nodded his head.

"Just tell him already, you won't be able to hide that, it's too big a story." Alice told him giving him a nudge.

"I'm sorry, by the time that kid was even on the news he was already gone. Right now they are looking for the guy that did it." Emmett answered me slowly.

"Guy?" I questioned. How would they know for sure it was a guy? I already knew the answer to the question, but I really wished I didn't.

"Yeah, Whitlock, a guy. Don't ask me to go into any other details, I can't stomach it right now." Emmett said looking back and forth between Edward and me with one of the saddest expressions I'd ever seen from him, Alice patted Emmett's back.

At the moment I was really struggling to care how he felt about it, I wanted to be sick. My breathing became heavier, thicker, as I thought about what that kid had gone through. I didn't know if I wanted to murder someone or cry, it was a tie, but I did neither. The black shadow was there pleading for my heart to hate, calling out to me, wanting me to turn my anger out not only on myself, but others as well. Blowing out my breath I closed my eyes and wrestled it down, resisting its hold.

Feeling my hair being ruffled softly I slowly opened my eyes back up in confusion. Edward's hand was still in mine and I could see the other one by his side, so who was doing that? Little Alice was standing by the head of my bed almost out of my sight behind me, it was her hand in my hair. She had a small smile on her face and leaned down toward ear and whispered "You aren't alone, you can do this. I have faith in you." Then I watched as her eyes lifted to Edward's and she gave him a tentative smile.


	24. Chapter 24

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty-four**

**AN: **_ I'm sorry for not writing more on this before now, but I, quite frankly, had to put it away for a while. Hopefully I won't let you down with this chapter._

_Characters belong to SM, of course, but the story is all mine._

**Previously:** _Feeling my hair being ruffled softly I slowly opened my eyes back up in confusion. Edward's hand was still in mine and I could see the other one by his side, so who was doing that? Little Alice was standing by the head of my bed almost out of my sight behind me, it was her hand in my hair. She had a small smile on her face and leaned down toward ear and whispered "You aren't alone, you can do this. I have faith in you." Then I watched as her eyes lifted to Edward's and she gave him a tentative smile._

**JPOV**

My eyes met Edward's and my breath caught at the smile on his face, the smile he was directing at me, not Alice. His smile widened as he said "I agree with Alice." Really? Why? I hadn't proven that they should have faith in me, I was still a fucked up mess. My brow furrowed wondering how I ended up with these people that barely knew me and yet seemed to still care for me. Were they always like that? The thought was, yes, they were probably always like that. It made me wonder what Edward would have been like if he hadn't gone through being raped repeatedly, and then murdered that man on top of it. Would he be like he was now? Would Alice? Was what happened to them making them who they were today? I couldn't come up with the answers.

Sighing I wanted to return the smile to both of them, but my mind had of course gone off where I wished it wouldn't, damn it. My inner questioning must have shown because I felt Edward's hand squeeze mine a little harder than necessary. When I looked back into his eyes and really looked back into them he repeated "You can do this." His tone seemed pleading to me, pleading at me to stay, stay with him, stay here in this world with him.

Alice's hand moved down to grasp my other hand and smiled sweetly at me. "You're going to get better, Jasper. You're going to love us, just like we will love you." Shaking my head at her I wondered how the fuck she would know that. I mean, sure, I agreed to go to the psych hospital, but that didn't mean I'd actually get better in there. I had lived long enough to know that I could seem better on the outside and not be on the inside, that had served me well in keeping up appearances with others, but sometimes it was draining to pretend that all was well in the world.

Emmett finally spoke up breaking me of my thoughts inner ramblings. "Look Whitlock, I gotta head back to work, but I will stop by later before they move you. Don't do anything stupid." He admonished. I rolled my eyes at him. "Don't you roll your eyes at me, asshole. You should be going to work with me today, instead of being in this bed." My mouth opened to interrupt him before he exploded "No, don't make excuses, you idiot." His face was getting redder and redder by the minute as he shouted "Do you know what it was like to find you like that? Lying in a pool of your own blood, bleeding to death. What the fuck is wrong with you? Take your fury out where it should go and catch the damn bastards, stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself."

Emmett got quiet for a moment and began to seethe as his tirade still wasn't over "You know I need you out there, with me. We have bad guys to catch, real ones that still walk this earth, why the fuck would you make one less good one." His voice cracked at the end of that statement.

He was pissed and I knew it, but this didn't make it better. Edward had been stopping him from saying stuff like that before now, I wondered why he didn't this time. "Are you done now?" I questioned, my heart becoming more frozen to protect itself. Why hadn't the other two said anything to stop him? Both of them were still holding my hand and my eyes went first to Alice and then to Edward, they were staring at Emmett with their mouths hanging open.

After a few silent minutes Alice began to laugh. Glaring at her for laughing made her only laugh harder. What the fuck was she laughing about? "Oh my god, Emmett, do you know how many times I had the same argument with Edward?" Glancing at Edward to see his reaction he only nodded his head, his lips held a firm line. What I wouldn't give for his smile to be back in place.

Emmett's nostrils flared, the anger still not gone, but he did say again "I'll be back later, Whitlock." I only nodded my head at him, unable to form any words and unwilling to consider the ones he'd spoken.

As he was about to walk through the door I called out "Wait." Turning back to me he waited for me to say something "Can you bring me some real clothes when you come back? I don't think I'm going to need a hospital gown in there." Looking to Edward to make sure I was correct he nodded his head.

"Yeah, I'll bring them. Just get better, okay? I don't think I can go through this again." He said sadly and walked away. That right there, the he can't go through with this again was what melted the ice around my frozen heart and the tears began to form. He was my friend, had been my only friend for quite some time and I'd hurt him more than I had considered. Thinking about what it'd be like if I'd been in his shoes, if I'd never been through what I had and known no one else could make you better, I knew I'd be angry with me too and scared of losing them. Sucking in a breath I let out a choked sob, he didn't deserve to be friends with someone as fucked as me, he should be surrounded with people that were happy, that loved life.

Edward looked down at me and said firmly "Don't."

"Don't what?" How the hell would he know what I was thinking?

"Don't go down that road, Jasper. If you cut yourself out of his life it will be like you died anyway, so just don't go there. He loves you as if you were his real brother, and I don't think you even see that." Edward's tone was soft, but laced with authority.

"Listen to Edward, Jasper, he's right. You don't see things as clearly as we do right now, but you will. When you wake up from this nightmare you will understand." The voice I heard was Alice's, but I don't think she actually spoke aloud, so was that just my overactive mind again? Fucking hell.

"Jasper, I must make my rounds now, I'll be back to check on you later." Edward said pulling me out of my head again.

"Okay, I'll see you then..." I responded, completely distracted. Edward's hand cupped my cheek reminding me that he told me he liked me earlier and I could feel the heat creep up my face at his touch. Alice snickered on the other side of the bed and I rolled my eyes at her, which I probably shouldn't after the last reaction to the same action, but I could see Edward do the same out of the corner of my eye. We were on the same page then.

"Bye guys, I'll be back later." Edward said striding out of the room and I watched his body move gracefully.

Alice clapped her hands in happy wonderment, but I couldn't understand why. She already knew we liked each other, so what was making her more excited this time? Confusion was the most dominant expression on my face. Then she gave me a serene expression and admitted "I will miss him when we don't live together anymore." What was she going on about? Shaking my head at her in bewilderment, she just gave me a wide grin, as wide as Edward's had been this morning and plopped down in the chair. "So what do you want to do today? We have hours to kill."


	25. Chapter 25

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty-five**

**AN: **_This is absolutely not the chapter I meant to write here, at all. Where this leaves off is where I wanted to start this one. I almost threw this entire chapter away, thanks to OCDJen I didn't. This chapter is a little fluffy, don't get used to it though. I've been holding onto this one for a while, debating on posting it._

_If you guys are reading OCDJen's fics, I know she hasn't updated in a while, but she is still writing. At the moment she's working on something for the Support Stacie Auction. She will be back eventually, I think her other boys are jealous... haha._

_I'm still proud of those of you that got help because of this story, gives me motivation to keep going._

_Characters belong to SM_

**JPOV**

"Um... Alice, whatever you want to do is fine with me. It's not like I can run away from you if I don't want to do it, now is it?" I questioned her, Alice snickered.

"Well, no... but I can at least pretend to give you a choice," Alice said with a gleam in her eye. Oh, fucking hell, no. I didn't know what that crazy smurf had planned, but I was not doing it."Let's see... what did I bring today?" This time the only things she pulled out of her bag were cards. She'd left the notebook and crayons there, but I hadn't touched them while Edward was with me. Great, guess I knew what I'd be doing today. Alice slapped the cards down on the hospital tray and pushed it to the bed.

My stomach rumbled with hunger in anticipation of what? Of hospital food? No way. I wasn't about to think that shit tasted good. Alice laughed at my stomach's grumbles and said, "I'm sure your food will be here soon." I only rolled my eyes at her, again.

Her eyes narrowed at me as she told me, "You should really stop rolling your eyes, Jasper. That only makes you look like you don't care." I raised a brow at her. Wasn't that exactly the point? I didn't fucking care, not about much of anything or I wouldn't be here. Her response was to roll her eyes back at me as well and I shot both brows up before she burst into laughter. "Okay, okay, I get it."

"So what game do you have us playing today?" My question only came out annoyed and so whiny that even I would have slapped myself. She slapped my arm lightly, it was a wonder I didn't flinch from it.

"Do you know how to play hand and pony?" Alice asked.

Looking at her dumbly I asked, "What in hell is that?"

"It's a card game, silly. Normally you play in teams, but we'll just play against each other today." Alice explained and then went on to tell me the rules. All I got was it something kind of like canasta, but not. Fucking hell, it was going to take forever to finish that game. Was she intent on making me do the longest games possible? First yesterday's, then today's. _ Jasper, you are an idiot, of course she is. What else are you going to do in here bored out of your mind? Run a marathon or something? Yeah, right. You already tried to end it all, you aren't running out of here without people chasing after you. Shut the fuck up._

"Alice, do you plan on finishing this game today?" I demanded.

Shrugging at me, she said, "Does it matter? As I told you yesterday it isn't about the cards, it's about the company and the conversation." I only grumbled in response. Alice dealt the cards and tried to show me how to play and of course as I was just figuring it out breakfast came and I knew I'd have to be reminded once again.

Setting the cards aside Alice left me the tray to eat and I attempted to choke it down and keep the sneer off my face as I did so. Alice chuckled beside me and asked, "What? That's not the best food you've ever had?"

Narrowing my eyes at her I flung a forkful of reconstituted, bland, and tasteless eggs at her. "No, it isn't." Alice yelped as the fake eggs landed on her cheek. I couldn't help it, I laughed so hard my sides ached. She swore under her breath.

Her frown was getting deeper by the second and I worried that I had offended her somehow. She was one of the nicest people I'd met in a while, I certainly didn't want her mad at me. I was pretty damn sure she'd make me suffer if I did offend her. Apologizing, I said, "I'm sorry, Alice. Besides, other than my momma's cookin', yours is the best I've ever had." Alice's eyes lit up at that and she gave me a huge hug nearly getting her entire shirt in the eggs. Surprisingly the hug didn't make my skin crawl. Inwardly, I smiled to myself thinking I might, just might, be getting better. If only I really was.

Sitting back down she moved the food off the tray and laid the cards back down. When she was finally completely settled she said, "Thank you." Then her eyes lit up once more. Did they ever dull? Or were they always like that? Would Edward's have been that way if he'd never been through what we had? "We should have a welcome home party, Jasper. Whenever you get out of the psych hospital." What? Was she fucking insane? You don't have parties for that and why would she think I could even tolerate such a thing? A party? A fucking party? Are you serious?

The panic must have shown as my breathing sped because I heard her say from far away, "Calm down, Jasper. We don't have to have one, but I thought at least Edward, Emmett, and me could be there with you when you got out." Hearing the few people she wanted there my racing heart started to calm down.

She tapped my hand letting me know it was my turn as I had finally come back to reality. Trying to figure out what I wanted to lay down and what I didn't, I was startled to hear Alice's voice interrupt me. "So... you and my brother, huh?" What? When did we go from mundane things like cards and food to Edward? I couldn't really stop thinking about him, he was constantly there somewhere in my mind since I met him a few days ago. Well really, he'd been there since I'd seen those videos, but not in the same way.

"Alice..." I warned. "We aren't together and you know it."

She smiled sweetly and said, "Yet." God, I wasn't ready for that. I wanted to be ready, but I just... wasn't. I really liked him and I mean really liked him, but this was just going to have to be slow going because I had no idea what I'd be like when I got out of here. For all I knew he would forget all about me in that hospital and it would be like I never existed, like I really had died before meeting him. Now, full panic was starting to set in and my breathing became shallower.

Feeling a hand on my back, rubbing it, I heard a tiny voice say, "Jasper? Come back to me, Jasper. Come back to us." Her voice trembled on on the come back to us.

Squeezing my eyes shut tight I tried to push the thought away that he would forget me. That honestly hurt more than if we never worked out. I didn't think I'd ever forget him.

An angry voice broke through my mental ramblings as I heard, "Whitlock, get your head out of your ass." What? The only person that called me Whitlock was Emmett and he wasn't here.

Opening one eye and then another the only person in the room with me was Alice. The voice wasn't Alice's. Great, now I really was fucking crazy. I had people talking to me that weren't there, that was my inheritance, the legacy that man had left with me. _So? It got you to open your damn eyes, didn't it? Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Go the fuck away. No, I'm never leaving you. You can't take care of yourself, so I will._ Fucking hell. Placing my head in my hands and massaging my temples I was trying to work out the headache that was coming on from the stress of all of this.

"Jasper, are you okay?" Alice asked in concern.

"No. Alice, I think I'm going to take a shower?" It came out a question instead of a statement.

Alice looked doubtful, but agreed, "Yeah, go ahead. I'll still be here when you get out."

Getting out of bed on the opposite side as her I slipped in the bathroom and shut the door. I'd forgotten my bag and underwear in the room, but there were towels in here and I could always put the same clothes back on. Sniffing them I decided maybe not, but I'd worry about that later. Right now, I just needed to be clean, needed time to think, alone.


	26. Chapter 26

**Scars and Nightmares: Chapter Twenty-six**

**AN: **_Part of this chapter, the disturbing part anyway came about as a conversation I had with Mrs. Aggett. This is straight from my own life and not something I really wanted to remember and yet I did. I was afraid it might be too much for some of you, so I asked OCDJen to give it a once over just to make sure. Although if you have actually gotten this far, it shouldn't be too much._

_Guess what? OCDJen recommended this fic on Twislash Unveiled. I've gotten many new readers from it, as well as some new readers for this and my other slash fic from a few of you guys out there. So, I want to say thank you to all of you, even if I don't know all your names._

_Characters belong to SM_

**JPOV**

The most pressing thing right now was I needed to be clean, now. Untying the hospital gown and stepping out of my underwear first I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I avoided looking at my arms and my thighs as I knew that all I'd find there were self-inflicted scars. My eyes traveled down my torso to my lower abdomen, right where that fucking monster had carved a J into my skin, claiming me as his. My entire body shuddered with disgust, either at what he'd done or that he'd left his mark, I didn't know, probably both.

Tracing the J with my finger it hit me that Edward's abdomen should have a matching one, along with several other scars that man had placed on my Edward's body. _My Edward? Getting a little ahead of yourself, aren't you? Wasn't it you thinking you weren't ready for him, to be in a relationship with him? Fucking hell. Could you please go away? Make me. If I could strangle you right now I would. If you did, you would only be strangling yourself. Okay, now I'm losing my fucking mind, completely. You aren't crazy, no one else is talking to you, just me, just you. Listen to me though, I'm the better side apparently and less self-destructive than you. Really? Then why don't I like you? Because I tell you like it is, and you don't want to fucking hear it. Damn you, get better, I want to get out and you are suppressing me. Come on, we need to get better, get out of this place, live a long and happy life. Hopefully with someone you love, but if not, long and happy is good too. Yeah, I want that too, _I sighed._ Do you? You sure don't act like it, _the voice argued_._

Shaking my head to bring me out of my musings, my blond hair fell into my eyes and I pushed it away quickly. Catching my eyes in the mirror I saw the sad blue of them and desperately wanted to see Edward's bright green ones looking back at me instead. Edward... Now he was one of the sexiest men I'd ever seen. More turned on than I'd ever been because I was thinking about Edward, I groaned. Not because he was sexy, although that could be it, but more because I couldn't really do a damn thing about it in here. _Why not? What do you mean, why not? I'm in the fucking hospital. So? You're about to get in the shower. Who the hell is gonna see?_

A few days before I'd tried to kill myself I hadn't even bothered to touch myself. Honestly, I was too far down the well of depression that I couldn't claw my way out of it even if I tried. Well, I suppose that was obvious or I wouldn't be in this damn place.

Stepping into the shower I turned on the warm water and picked up the horrible soap the hospital provided. It would have to do, I was in no place to be picky. _Hey, at least if you are picky then you care about something. Didn't I tell you to go the fuck away? Who said I'd listen? Besides, if I'm you, then you're the one that isn't letting me go, you want me more than you think. Damn it, well could you at least be fucking quiet? Language, language, we really are going to have to work on that. Oh my god, would you shut up? _

Closing my eyes tight shut against arguing with myself I let the warm water wash over me. Using the soap to get any grime off my body and trust me there was some, after the last real bath I'd had was mixed with my blood and beyond that was only what had been wiped off, I started to feel somewhat better. Keeping my eyes firmly shut my hand grazed over the raised skin of the J etched into me. Shuddering a little I skipped over it and instead concentrated on touching Edward's and the rest of his scars along his chest. In my mind, my lips brushed over them removing the pain, replacing the hurt with my love. Love that was a long way off, but I still felt it would be there. If I got better I had no doubt that it would be.

My hand slid down to wrap around my dick, as I imagined Edward's hand there and not my own. Our lips met and I tasted mint and Edward. Even though I had no idea what that tasted like, I just knew. Turning me around, his lips met my neck as he pressed his body against mine. "I love you, Jasper," he moaned against my skin and I wanted him to take me, right then. I should have known that my mind couldn't even leave me in my peace in this moment.

As I turned my head in my mind my vision blurred and I saw James standing there with a twisted smile on his face. "I love you, baby," he said, his voice, his words, making me nauseous.

Coming to an abrupt halt I opened my eyes, but he was still there hovering over me. "You're mine, you always will be, no matter who else you are with." James was laughing maniacally, rattling my brain. "Don't you remember... don't you remember when you used to touch yourself, getting off to the pain? You can't tell me you didn't like it, I know better. No matter what sick lies you tell anyone else, I know you enjoyed the pain." Shaking my head, trying to remove him from it, he only tried harder to upend me. Did I enjoy it? Oh my god, what if I did? The bile rose in my mouth and before I could even step out of the shower I threw up, watching it swirl down the shower drain.

Trying to think back from a time before I knew I was gay, I remembered touching myself then too. Swallowing back the anger and the tears I sank down to the floor leaning my head against the tile. I touched myself all right and yes, pain did get me off. The problem? It was more than pain, it wasn't a little bit of fun kind of pain. Oh no, not me. When I was a child, and young teen I would touch myself, and not really thinking of a person or the fact that it felt good, I would find pleasure when I imagined someone hurting me. Every time. Drawing blood was usually the best way, to watch it flow freely against my skin. I was so disgusted with myself I wanted to vomit again, but had nothing left.

Sitting there I didn't cry, no tears would come even if I'd wanted them to. I didn't deserve them, didn't deserve to feel sorry for myself. It was myself that was thinking of those things after all. Who the fuck would want to be with someone as screwed up as me? No one wants that kind of drama. Why would I remember that anyway? I'd been in therapy before and that memory had never, not even once, crossed my mind. Why would it now? I must have stopped having those weird, sick, if you could even call them fantasies, I called them nightmares, when I finally figured out I was gay and had something else to focus on.

_Are you really surprised you'd get off on that? Don't you get a high and a release from the pain when you cut yourself now? Do we really have to talk about this? _ Shutting that part of me out I felt physically drained, lethargic. There was no way I was moving from this spot without some sort of help, but I didn't want help. Wanting to cut myself right now I looked around and found nothing to release the pain and sighed. I was disgusting and sick and shouldn't be allowed to be around people. Yes, I needed to shut them all out, and not let anyone else in, they'd only get hurt.

"You are an idiot," Edward's voice rang out loudly and echoed off the tile. Did I say that stuff out loud? Then I looked up and saw Edward standing above me, his nostrils flaring, his eyes blazing in anger. I shrank back in fear. "No, no more of this. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Do you really think you are the only one that's been there? You aren't. Now get up from there." Frozen in place I couldn't move as his words spilled over me like ice and I stared into space.

Edward got into the shower with me, getting his scrubs soaking wet and pulled me up out of it. He didn't say anything else, he just got a towel and wiped my wet skin down in silence. Then he started dressing me in real clothes. It was then I realized Emmett must have dropped them off already. Edward led me out into the room and back to the bed as I vaguely registered Alice standing there looking worried. She thrust clean, dry scrubs into Edward's hands and once he checked to make sure I wasn't going to make a run for it went into the bathroom to change.

Why was Edward even here? It wasn't time for him to check up on me. Alice glared at me, I guess her worry was over, and slapped me, hard. What the fuck? Narrowing my eyes at her, she was lucky I didn't slap her right back. Did I deserve her anger? I didn't think so.

Alice started shouting at me, "Do you know I knocked on the door for thirty minutes and you didn't respond at all? All I kept thinking about was you'd found a way to kill yourself for sure this time."

My brow furrowed at her and I asked, "Why didn't you just open the door?"

Snorting at me she replied, "The door was locked, you idiot." Nice, being called idiot twice in less than the span of five minutes. _Well, if you weren't such an idiot then they wouldn't, but I think they are justified. Fuck off._

Then she started in ranting again, "I had to hunt Edward down and get the key to unlock the door. Then we heard you talking to yourself in there. What the fuck are you thinking? You can't shut people out, some of us want to get to know you, _all_ of you, even the horror you lived through. When Edward pulled this same crap, do you think I let him shut people out? No, and I won't let you do it either."

Edward walked back out wearing dry hospital scrubs and told Alice to leave us for right now. She huffed and walked out of the room, but didn't argue.

"Jasper, what the fuck was all that about?" he asked me seriously. Sighing, I debated on whether or not to tell him. He didn't need to know what a sick person I was. "Don't edit for my benefit, I want to know. Jasper, come on, do you really think anyone else could understand as much as I can what you are going through?" Shaking my head no, I decided to be honest and told him everything. If he was going to run screaming it should be now, not later. There were several starts and stops as I got it off my chest. Amazingly, I felt better once it was out there; even if the words just hung in the air, swirling between us.

Edward hugged me tightly to him and whispered so quietly I thought I might be imagining it, "You aren't alone." My tensed body relaxed as his words soothed me. He wasn't running from me, he'd be here, no matter what fucked up thing was going on.


End file.
